OK, so I feel quite pathetic really. Some of you must read my posts and think this woman is CRAZY!!! I know I do. I feel crazy. Off my rocker basket case. Don't want to be writing when I'm so depressed, but I promised myself that I would...through this journey, through this pain. Because I haven't had therapy in a while, this is my therapy. Don't know if it's working. I don't know what will pull me out. I'm scared. I'm confused. I'm hiding...
That's what I do. I hide. When life just gets too hard, too painful, too hurtful, you know...there's more. I can't help it. I curl in a ball in my bed, my closet, my bathroom, close my eyes and pretend I'm invisible. No one can see me. I am safe. For now. If I just lay very still nobody will know I am here. Tears drop down my cheeks through my clenched tight eyelids. Come on girl...keep it together. It hurts more when you cry. I don't want to hurt anymore. I just want to lay very still and I want to just disappear.
So what's come over me? I don't know. A series of things, feelings, happenings. Something significant, for me, happened this past week. Shook me pretty hard. All kinds of emotions and physical reactions spurred from this "happening." The pain and confusion consumes me and I don't know where to turn. I feel trapped and hopeless as my previous allies disappear into the past. I am still a warrior but resting now, feeling broken and wondering if or when I will get back up and regain my strength.
I am a very confused woman. In a spiritual crisis I believe where I question everything and everyone. I don't know where I'm at or who I am. I don't know who to believe or what to believe. I want to scream!!! Trying so hard to trust, open my heart, to take control of my life, find that light, that peace that keeps alluding me for some reason. Is it because I'm giving up too easily? I'm not trying hard enough? Whining too much?
Yeah, I'm depressed alright. Taking the drugs (happy pills) and all that. Dark, dark place. Sometimes I hide to spare others the pain of me. Then I won't have to explain why, how, when, or who of anything.
No matter what you think, I am trying. Frustrating as hell. I'm getting nowhere fast and seem to be sliding backwards. Now the problem I face is I can't seem to find a safe place to hide.
Love you Mel.. I am rooting for you... You can always come to me... I am here!!!! I wish you wouldn't hide from me BUT I know that you know that I am here. Always.
ReplyDeleteCall me back. Please.
Love you soooooooo much!!!!!
I will. just need to check out for a bit. Love ya too!!
DeleteWell, you know I don't think there is anything crazy about wanting to hide. I've felt that desire too. When exhaustion and hopelessness and guilt and futility and fear all set in, the natural desire is to want to hide. I used to go sit in my car in the garage because that seemed like the most buffered place in the house. But I hope you'll open your mind and heart and eyes to the safe places and people in your life where you don't need to hide. Those might be few right now, but lean on those few. I hope you think of me as one of those people, but if not, lean on your friends that provide the safest haven, the ones that let you be your imperfect self and still love you. It's a really awesome discovery you are starting to make--who your real friends are. And maybe the most important one will be yourself. Hang in there, and hang out with me! This weekend, okay?
ReplyDeleteYeah, I think those times I hide most hit when I am most tired and discouraged. I think it's just taking a break from "fighting" so much. Maybe for me it's a time to stabilize and regroup.
Deleteyour going to be o.k....you WILL get through this and be stronger for it...dont let other people bring you down...you and only you control the way you act, where you go, what you do...keep trying and please dont give up o.k. you have so much life yet to live and so much to live for...hey i wrote a poem this morning on my blog about this very subject
ReplyDeletekeep smiling, GOD made you awesome
brian
I like to hide too. The great thing is you don't have to go public. You don't have to be social or out in the open. Sometimes you need to hide for awhile to heal. You'll know when you're ready to come out of hiding. Another great thing is you don't have to believe or make any decisions. And another great thing...you don't have to trust, anyone or anything. You'll know in your heart when it's time to trust and believe and make decisions again. You will find all the answers your looking for someday. But for now, while you're in the midst of trauma, I'd say let it go. And that's alright.
ReplyDeleteI know you'll find peace. No need to compare yourself to others and measure their success and your success. Life is for learning.
When my trauma hits me full force, I drop out of life for awhile. I only keep the essentials. No judgement, no guilt, right? We're allowed to take some time off.
sending you lots-o-love
Thanks my friend. For some reason I need a lot of validation these days, especially from women who totally get it. Thank you. I tend to beat myself to a bloody pulp with guilt for not "being on" all the time. Sadly my "break" time are spent in a fetal position in my bed. I guess that's OK for right now. I hope one day I can live a little more and breath more easily without always having to brace for the pain. Thanks for your comment. I'm looking forward to meeting you soon:)
DeleteThis moment is just a blip on your life radar. You're gonna recover. Time is your friend. You've suffered a tremendous loss. That takes a horrendous toll on the mind and heart and soul. Remember not to blame yourself for any of this pain. You do not OWN it. It was given to you, but it's on loan. It will find its way back to the rightful owner eventually.
ReplyDeleteRemember who you were before the pain. Seek that person again. She's still in there.
Until then, you do not suffer alone. So many of us are here for you.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn
http://ayearaftertheaffair.blogspot.com/
Oh honey...I've been there - not in the same situation per se, but in that deep dark scary scary scary place. I know I could never say anything that would make it all better, but just know you have so many here who are rooting for you. I used to be LDS, and with all due respect, I'm so glad I'm no longer affiliated with the religion, as I don't think I could handle *that* kind of support. Please email me anytime if you want... hang in there sweetie. Just hang on.
ReplyDeleteOh girl, I so feel you. I don't know how to get out of it either, but there has to be a way. You are not alone. I don't have the answers, but want to offer a cyber (((hug))). :'(
ReplyDeleteMassive hugs!!
ReplyDeleteI know that lost, unsafe feeling. Wanting to feel safe is so big...we crave safety! There are so many of us who understand how you feel. I really wish none of us had to experience how that feels. Sending love and hope that things will get better.
ReplyDeleteThanks Michelle! how are you dealing with you pain?
DeleteGod, i feel the same thing. Being so unhappy to be alive. Thanks for your comment, made me feel extremely happy to be found.
ReplyDeleteAw, Bubbles. Thanks for rooting for me. I really needed that. I'm struggling. And it meant a lot to hear from you.
ReplyDeleteI have been lurking on your blog for a while now. Does that sound psycho? Sorry. I'm not psycho. Promise. Okay, only a little maybe. Aren't we all though? I had to laugh when you said we all must be reading your blog and thinking you are crazy. Um, what I really think you are is honest.
I have been thinking about you a lot. More than you would probably imagine. All weekend. It actually really startled me to see you pop up on my comments, because you have been so present on my mind. Must've gotten my vibe. ;) You seem ... impatient with yourself. Give it time. It's okay to flounder. You said you are a fraud. That is not true. You said you are trying. THAT is true. If that's all you have to give right now, so be it.
You are going through major trauma. You are struggling. You are doing your best. You are human. Be patient with yourself and let it go, girl. Only you know how to go through your process. You need a break from fighting? Take it. You need to curl up in the fetal position for a while? Do it, and don't torture yourself about doing it! Me? I'm a huge fan of turning off my cell phone for several days at a time. I'm sure it drives everyone else in my life crazy. (Sorry Jacy; I know I'm not helping! -- I read her comment at the top! lol) But sometimes I just need to feel like I'm in control of my own space, you know? And everyone else can just go fly a kite for a while! It's okay to check out for a while. Just as long as you know you're coming back eventually. But give yourself time.
In any case, we are here for you ... your online support peeps. And you can turn us on and off, which rocks, right?! Hah.
Hang in there, honey. Give it time.
Bubles, what is the status on the cheaters marriage/relationship? Does he still live in a pig of a home? Are your wonderful kids OK? Are the rose colored glasses off now that he has to see the real home wrecker that she and he are?
ReplyDelete