Bankruptcy

Filing for bankruptcy hasn't been as smooth as I thought. I've had to spend a few weeks trying to pay back any debt I acquired on my credit cards over the last 90 days. I've had to borrow money from my parents, again, to do that. Also, I have to come up with the $299 filing fee in the next few days which I also don't have. Meanwhile, I almost had my electricity turned off when I couldn't pay the bill, my health insurance premium is adding up 3 months late now--I've been paying a little on that at a a time to keep insured, my insurance didn't cover any of my annual doctor's visit for some reason (looking into that), so I have a big bill there, my son needs more dental work done, no money for that...Christmas is coming and that is my biggest worry. My kids ask me for nothing. They know we don't have any money. And it breaks my heart that I can't give them much. At the beginning of the school year I told them I wouldn't be able to buy them new school clothes. My son said, "It's OK mommy. I have ten dollars in my bank I can use." My mom ended up giving them some money to get a few things, bless her heart. I never in my life thought I would be in this position financially. Again it brings me back to my ex husband abandoning his family and his responsibility to protect and support us. It sickens me. I'm tired and worried all the time. I get up at 4:30 most mornings and work 6 days a week. I'm constantly trying to think of ways to make more money while trying to be available for my kids and their needs. I feel like I'm failing so often. I don't have the emotional, mental, physical energy to do and be everything. I feel like I should and need to, for my kid's sake. Their father has let them down horribly; I don't want to let them down as well. I'm not the same mom I used to be....sometimes I go to bed before they do because I'm so tired, I'm never there in the mornings before school because I'm at work, I hardly know what's going on with their friends and at their school, I don't help out in their classes, I often forget to check if homework has been done, I often forget to ask if they've brushed their teeth, my son has to remind me that he needs to take a bath, my daughter has to fend for herself after she gets home from gymnastics at 9 because I'm in bed, kids have to wake up alone again on Saturday mornings because their mom is at work, I've let family scripture study and home evening slip; all the while feeling this immense pressure and responsibility to do more, but I'm just so tired, so very tired. The burdens are so heavy, and I'm trying to keep my heart soft and not be bitter and angry at the man who threw his family away to fend for themselves. I am trying to be optimistic for my children, especially around the holidays, especially when all we have is each other. It's scary and I don't know how I'm going to pull it all off, but I guess that's what faith is and I'm not backing down yet...

Holding Steady...

I'm hanging in there...holding my breath...trying to enjoy the calm right now...bracing myself for the next kick in the gutt....There will be more I'm sure of that. For right now I'm OK. Been dating a man, though wounded himself, who treats me like a Queen....Of course, as skeptical and guarded as I am, I'm trying to be open minded that he just might be one of the "good" ones. The main thing is that he has a calming effect on me. I need that right now. It's good for me and it's good for my children. I still live day by day...trying not to rely so much on the future, but what I have in the moment. Still trying to be true to myself, what I want, what makes me happy, what brings peace to my life. That is a challenge to be so "selfish" right now. But, I find that it's been essential to my survival...at least right now.