I can honestly say that I am a very confused woman. And anyone that has been following my blog would probably think "WTF woman! Get it together already!" Some days I'm on; others I'm off. I'll think I've arrived, definitely have a handle on things. I'm good to go. I'll take it from here...
But, I'm definitely not anywhere. I am lost. Completely. And I don't know what to do about it. Yes, I pray. All the time. I'm still so very confused...
I was raised never to doubt my testimony of God and His Gospel. Never to doubt the scriptures. Follow the prophet. Follow his leaders. Do what they say and trust completely in them. When I am eight I was to be baptized. When I was a young woman I was to get my Young Women's Medallion. When I graduated high school I was to go to one of the church colleges. When I came of age I should go on a mission (oops didn't follow that one. I rebelled...got married instead...in the temple.) Graduate from college as expected and then promptly start having children. Didn't plant to do much with my degree except for the sake of "being educated just in case..." Of course, I always intended on staying home with my babies as I was taught. A mother's role should be in the home rearing her children. The husband was the provider and the caretaker of the family. Everything would go as planned. My husband would continue to do well in his job, promotion after promotion. We would go to the temple at least once a month, have family scripture study every night, and family home evening once a week. When our children became adults they too would continue our legacy and go on missions and be married in the temple....That was the plan. I didn't know any other way. I didn't have any other choices. I did what I knew to do.
So I had my whole life mapped out for me. Didn't really have a say. Didn't need to say anything. It made sense to me because I didn't know anything else. I had a wonderful childhood with caring parents who supported, loved, and protected us. They taught us to love God, love our neighbors, and be faithful and endure to the end. My grandmothers whom I was both very close to had been through much adversity and abuse in their lives. I was told that they never doubted their testimonies and forged ahead with unblinking faith. So...what's wrong with me?
I'm having serious doubts. And I need to say it out loud. My head and heart is in so much turmoil. I want answers but don't know where to find them. I'm questioning everything that I've ever known. What does my church mean to me? Is it true? Who am I really? Am I good or bad? More often than not I believe I am bad. I feel I haven't been making the best choices lately, but is that me talking? my religion? my parent's? My bishop? Why do I care so much what people think of me? I think God must be disappointed in his once "elect" daughter. I have failed the test because I'm doubting, questioning, and making completely out of "character" choices.
This is probably just an excuse that I will need to repent of later...but sometimes I feel it would be helpful if I received some compassion from those "faithful" members of my church. My ward is afraid of me. A woman from the ward told me recently she wishes she had had my trial instead of hers. My bishop told me he wasn't going to give me a "calling" because he didn't think I would show up because of my depression. Other than that he avoids me, except when he needs to tell me he's not going to pay for my counseling anymore. Sees me flee from his office in tears...and yet, nothing. No contact. No empathy. No kindness. Just judgment. I don't understand it. Don't they see I'm trying?! I'm reaching out and grasping for something. I am reaching...I am reaching to the Heavens....I am still lost and broken, and I don't know how to fix it. I am not ok with myself. I feel dirty and guilty all the time, a failure, a disappointment, and above all I feel like a FRAUD!!
If people only knew what I was or wasn't....My mother tells me often that she admires my strength and faith. She has no idea how much I have struggled. And I will never tell her. I love my mother dearly. Unconditionally. Sometimes I just want to hear the words from my parents, "We love you, no matter where you go, or who you become. You are our precious daughter. We just want you to be happy. We are here for you no matter what." Somehow, I believe if they knew the "real me" they wouldn't like it. I wouldn't be precious any longer. It's ok...I don't blame them. I'm all over the place.
Although, this is hell for me and I just want to roll over and die sometimes, I won't. I won't give up. I have to find out who I really am. For 32 years I had no identity. Didn't think for myself. Didn't have an opinion on anything. And during those 32 years I doubted nothing. I was completely two feet in, 100 percent committed to my life plan. Had no reason to fear. I trusted God implicitly, just as I trusted my husband. Did not anticipate the brutal blindsiding that occurred on Sept 4, 2009 that shocked and numbed my soul. So "the plan" didn't work. Now, the counsel I receive from family, old friends, and church leaders is simply "Well, we all have somethin' we gotta deal with. Trials. You're not any different than anyone else. Just get back on the horse. You have to. For your children. Get back to church. Read your scriptures. Go to the temple. Go forward with faith. Never doubt..."
I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I have no advice to give. I will be thinking about you an sending you lots of LOVE. I wish I could hug you. I would right through this computer if I could. please e-mail me if you need to talk.
ReplyDeleteLike many of your other posts, I am able to identify completely with these same feelings. You, however, are much better at putting them into words than I. It actually feels good to me to have someone else put them into words. Your D-Day was 9/4/09, but mine was 2/26/06. So I'm 3 1/2 years ahead of you in this process of redefining who you are, what you believe, what your relationship with the church is, etc. And I'm still in the middle of the process, but I can tell you this: It gets better. It gets better because you are now forced into the position of choosing your life, and it's always better to have chosen your life rather than to have had it chosen for you. And I know there is the temptation to resist it. It's easier to just follow the Mormon Formula. I did it for 39 years. And it can work pretty well as long as your eternal companion doesn't sabotage it. It is so much easier to follow a pre-approved plan than to personalize every principle. But at this point, I've had to redefine every single principle I've ever been taught. I haven't had to abandon the whole Mormon checklist. I started from scratch, and it turns out many of the things I want for my life are on that list. And the process is actually a wonderfully refining one, though difficult. Just remember there are many of us who are experiencing this, and it often feels like our parent (the church) is abandoning us, even after we were obedient. This is when we need to lean on that personal relationship we have with God rather than the relationship we have with the institution and individuals of the church. Now I sound preachy, so I'll shut up. Let's talk!
ReplyDeleteThank you Aimee for your reply. This helps me knowing that I am not alone in this. It is a very scary time for me. I've written this before, but I often feel like I don't belong anywhere. It's very lonely and isolating. And I can't shake the sense that God is disappointed with me. Don't know why. I feel like I've let Him down. So many people seem to handle adversity so much better than me. Or at least that's my perception. I'm looking forward to talking to you more about this
DeleteWow Aimee. I love your honesty. And I think you articulate yourself quite well.
ReplyDeleteBubbles- I don't have any advice either. Just love, like Olives. But I think you deserve more credit than you give yourself.
Jane, I so desire to get to a point where I am not self-loathing and punishing. I honestly don't know how to be. I am my own worst critic, and I fear that God is even more disappointing. The sad thing is is that I truly believe it...as of now. I'm afraid to love myself too much or even a little because I don't deserve it. I guess I don't know what unconditional love is. Maybe I do...or don't. I am lost, and it hurts. I can't seem to get off this rollercoaster of highs and then lows. I hope it gets easier and I HOPE one day I will have clarity, and peace of mind and heart.
DeleteI"m so sorry -- my heart is breaking for you.
DeleteFor me, when it's harder to feel love from God, from myself, I try to get back to the very basic "God loves me because I'm His child." I think of how I love my kids. I think of how often I feel like I keep 'failing' the same test -- and yet, how many tries did it take my kids to crawl, walk, talk, hit any other milestone -- I was never 'disappointed' in their failed attempts. I was pleased to watch them again and again, trying and failing, until they get it. I think God is like that with us -- we think of our failures, our shortcomings, and all He sees is our attempts to get up and walk, and he's pleased each time we stand up again, not disappointed that we fell. It's all part of the process, and He is watching us just like any parent, amazed at the progress we are making, even when it just feels like we're falling . . .
Sorry, I don't know if that makes sense or was worded in any kind of helpful way, I just have found that if I remember how much I love my kids, then remember He's perfect and all knowing and more patient than I could ever be with my own kids. He loves you, He loves me, He's there for you for the entire process, the whole roller coaster -- I think it takes a lot more to disappoint him than we can even imagine.
I love that analogy. I will have to keep remembering that. It makes total sense. Why wouldn't our God be merciful to us like we are to our own children. And His love for us is even greater, and that's so hard for me to imagine. Thank you for you comment. It really helped me see things a little differently:)
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ReplyDeleteI understand why you might have removed this post, but I hope you don't mind that I did read it and appreciated it very much. It helped me gain a better perception of where I'm at. Thank you. I know it was very personal to you and that you stepped out on a limb for me. I can't wait to meet you in person:)
DeleteYa, a little bit too private. But I wanted to share that experience with u. It has been so freeing. Our worth is priceless. Just the fact that you're a woman makes u worthy and perfect. I sent u an email too. I want u to find the deepest most satisfying happiness!
DeleteHey girlie I tried looking for your email and couldn't find it. Did you send it already?
DeleteYou are not worthy because of what you DO or DO NOT do. Others do not determine your worth. The Church does not determine your worth. YOU DO. And God is not a god of judgement or disappointment or unrealistic expectations. God does NOT work with checklists. He works with the intentions of our hearts, with our desires for happiness and love. God is ALL ABOUT LOVE. You are worthy JUST BECAUSE OF WHO YOU ARE. Because you ask questions, because you WANT TO UNDERSTAND, because you are TRYING so damn hard. Because you want beauty, love, faithfulness, satisfaction, and closeness with heaven. Those things make YOU, and that is enough. It is glorious, and I so hope and pray that you can see yourself how God sees you. Say affirmations--look in your eyes and say, "I am enough. I am powerful. I am strong. I desire to be kind." Or whatever else you want to change. Worth and good feeling come from our own minds. You are so strong, like Scabs and Jane said. I love you, you are strong, you are amazing, and I WANT SO BAD for you to feel that, because it is the most liberating and glorious feeling in the WHOLE WORLD. Hugs, prayers, and strength to you.
ReplyDeleteYeah, I agree. I need to do more of those affirmations. They really do work. And sometimes I do think more of myself than I do now. It just seems to be an endless rollercoaster, and it's exhausting. But your comment as with everyone's has really helped me have hope. I just fear this may take some time. Thank you for your thoughts Nora. I'm grateful for you and all the wonderful women I've met through my blog
DeleteHey bubbles
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing this!! I just wanted to encourage you in your times of doubting: it is ok to doubt. Sometimes we feel bad or guilty that such thoughts enter into our minds, but i think that God gave us the ability to examine and question. We are rational beings and our belief requires us to be beings of faith - so there is always a tension.
There are times in bible, where even Jesus's most beloved doubts - I don't think this makes us any less of a christian. Try not to rush the questioning, its part of our journey and hopefully part of our rediscovering Gods faithfulness.
I am glad you commented on my blog. You are not alone. We may not have experienced the same things but I know the fears, doubts, etc. that come with all of this junk. I told my parents I hated the people, I doubted my testitmony, doubted myself, and I never wanted to step foot in church again. They accepted me, loved me, took me home from sacrament when I would burst into horrible tears... I'm back at church. I take my son. Do I believe everything? No, I've always been a skeptic of sorts. But I do believe in many of the teachings and so I stay. I think God is a lot more merciful and kind than we are taught. I could be having a false philosophy but it's what keeps me sane and from rejecting all form of religion and the belief of there being a God. This is the time to find yourself. You will find that "something" that will help your very soul... It might take a lot of time, but you will find it. I'm rooting you on Bubbles!!
ReplyDeleteSomeone above said that it's better to have chosen your own life than to have it chosen for you. SO TRUE!! You need to make your own choices! And if you feel okay about your choices, then who's to say you're wrong? Do what makes you feel happy, whether it's believing in God and reading your scriptures, or sleeping in on Sunday mornings while the rest of the world is at church. Do what YOU want, girl, and stop caring what others 'might' think of you. I've seen that Dr. Seuss quote a million times lately, 'Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter won't mind.'
ReplyDeleteBubbles, reading the subsequent posts keeps reminding me that what is important doctrinally is to know God and to know our Savior. The New Testament teaches us through the stories of Christ's life exactly how he feels about the sinner (which, remember, is every one of us). Lean on that doctrine and none of the others for now. Remember when the woman was brought to him? She had actually been discovered in the very act of adultery. So, she was absolutely guilty. Her accusers brought her before Jesus to see if he would agree with the judgement required by the law. And, you know as well as I do (literally), that adultery is way up there on the "Really Bad Sins" list. The people asked him, "So do you agree that she should be stoned to death? You know, because that's the law."
ReplyDeleteAnd he responded by bending down and drawing in the sand, allowing a moment of silence. Then he said, "Well, yes, and I think the first person to start the stoning ought to be the one who doesn't have any sins."
And, of course, people thought about that and were ashamed and left. Then he spoke to the woman and asked her, "Hey, where is everyone who accused you?"
She responded, "There is no one left here condemning me."
Christ said, "I'm not going to condemn you either. So, be on your way. Oh, and by the way, stop committing adultery."
Think about that story. Christ is really the only one who has the ability or right to pass judgement, and he didn't even judge this woman except to acknowledge that she was sinning. She was caught in the act. Adultery is a serious sin. And he didn't even condemn or punish her in any way. In fact, he actually saved her life. As was mentioned earlier, God is a lot more merciful than we have been taught. If you decide to study scriptures, just study Christ's life in the New Testament. You'll see how he really feels about us as individuals. Get your feelings of self-worth from that instead of from any other source. I can tell you, that's the only way I have learned to think of myself as a worthwhile person again. Love you! Wish you could love yourself, but until then, know I do and so does your Savior.
hey...i just read your post and i can really feel your pain and anguish..im very sorry that you have been made to feel this way...its only natural for us to question things especially after things have gone badly for us...keep your head up...GOD still loves you and he is always there for you...there is nothing wrong with you and you are in no way a bad person...live your life and live it well and dont forget to smile
ReplyDeletebrian
Call me back girl! Love you so much... thinking of you.... Let's do lunch this week... I'd rather talk in person!
ReplyDeleteXOXOXOXOXO
Hi I popped in from Elsie's blog as I really liked the comment you left there for her and wanted to see/read about who you are...........this post seems to be filled with pain and that is not great you sound like a strong woman who has been throught he wringer and still you get up and face each day no matter how hard it may be to do so............I am glad I came here you are worth the visit..........
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for your sweet words. That's one thing that I try to own about myself...that no matter how many times I get thrown under the bus, eventually I get back up...though sometimes it may take a while. I'm still in the process of trying to find my worth; it is so hard when you feel blinded, but I can't afford to give up. Thank you my new friend:)
DeleteBubbles: I have been reading your blog since you posted on mine. Just wanted to say that I hear ya. Before DDay I was the Go-To girl. Always the one with answers, the strong one. DDay threw a very thick blanket over that woman, covered her in darkness for a long time. She's starting to peek out more frequently. I think sharing my story with others has helped me do that. The support from total strangers gives me such hope.
ReplyDeleteRemember who you were before DDay. She's still in there. Give her some time. She'll be back. You can't keep a good woman down!
Hope & Hugs, Shawn
http://ayearaftertheaffair.blogspot.com/