goodbye financial security.

My legal bill is now $18,500 and quickly rising. I haven't even gone to trial yet and the divorce probably won't be finalized until end of summer, if I'm lucky, if J doesn't keep fighting me. Let's also not forget the $10,000 my father-in-law is demanding from me. I'm also several thousand dollars in debt in credit cards just to cover monthly expenses. Pretty soon I will have no retirement, no savings, no health insurance, no house, possibly no car, and a mountain of debt-- all a priceless gift from my beloved dear husband of 14 years.

But, after it's all said and done, if I can retain custody of my beautiful children I will feel extremely grateful and blessed. At the end of the day, God is God and he is mindful of me and my children. I am confident our needs will be met in His way, not mine.

No Guarantees

So I have a hard time constantly being the doom and gloom girl. Mostly I like to be a people pleaser. I tend to hide my feelings and not share them, because I don't want others to carry my burden. I don't want others to feel my anguish. I thought about breaking up the monotony of depressing blogs with something cheery and happy, but at this point I wouldn't be staying true to my feelings. I want to be completely honest so that others who read, whether victims or persecutors, will get a true glimpse of my pain due to another's actions.
So far, I've only written entries when I'm feeling completely overwhelmed. So looking at the dates is a good indicator that most days for me are almost impossible to endure. More or less, I generally write this blog because it's therapeutic for me. I couldn't get in to see my therapist today, so I hope that in writing I'll feel better. Here we go...

I woke up this morning completely exhausted. It was difficult to open my eyes and get out of bed. I got a good 9 hours of sleep, but I still woke up completely drained. I'm still dragging myself around the house like I haven't slept in days. I was supposed to take my car in today to get some repairs done, but I gave up on that. I wanted to clean the house but I just can't. It's not just fatigue, it's trying to pace out my grief, if that makes sense. I don't want to have a nervous breakdown and completely fall apart. I'm trying desperately to keep it together for my family who is so concerned about me. I'm trying to keep it together so THEY don't fall apart. If I'm happy, they're happy. I'm trying, but sometimes I just can't keep up and I have to stop and just be a vegetable for a bit and do absolutely nothing.

I've heard a few times in past months that happiness is not guaranteed in this life. I believe that in ways, because I know others who have suffered most their lives either from emotional and/or physical pain. So I'm starting to wonder if this is my fate, that I will have to figure out how to deal with being completely unhappy for the rest of my life. Today I just feel like pulling my hair out and screaming at the top of my lungs. I'm so sick of feeling like this. I'm tired. Nine months and counting....and I feel like it's going to be forever.

My "husband" and I are in the middle of a custody battle, extremely bitter. The kids and I are currently living out of state and I left with them in November to get away from a very toxic environment and seek comfort from my family. J called me on the road threatening to call the HWY patrol because I took the kids without his permission. (FYI, our bishop talked him into letting us go.) It was only supposed to be temporary because I truly believed at the time that while we were away J would get his act together and see what he was missing--basically I planned on our family being reunited this summer. I had no idea that as he was hauling our stuff off to storage, he was picking up his girlfriend (my good friend at the time) and making plans to live with her after we left. Now a completely broken woman, he accuses me of kidnapping his children. He accuses me of neglect and emotional abuse towards our children. He's also demanded that I get a psychiatric evaluation because I'm mentally unstable. His dad is also suing me for about $10,000, half of the money he "gave" to J and I for a deposit on a condo over 10 years ago. I'm already over $13,000 in debt with my attorney fees. It'll probably be over $20,000 when it's all said and done. So I wonder if I'll be in complete financial ruin after the divorce is final. June is judgement day in court. I'm fighting as hard as I can to keep my kids here where they are truly thriving and doing well. They still get to see their dad a couple times a month. But, that's not good enough for him. He wants them every two days. He wants at least 50 percent custody. He also doesn't think I deserve much support from him, so he's fighting hard to keep every cent of his "hard earned" money. Meanwhile....he's still going to church and living a "holy" life.

I'm trying to keep my heart soft and not to get so angry and bitter. But I am angry! I am soooooo angry! I feel emotionally "raped" over and over. I hate that word but it's the closest thing I can think of to define how I feel. People say I will be happy again. But how? How can I ever get past this trauma? How can I ever trust again? How can I possibly pull myself out of this pit? I'm clawing furiously trying to get out; and once I think I've made it to the top, J comes along and takes his big black combat boot and kicks me back down into the dark hole, laughing at me the whole way.

I'm praying with all my heart; I'm reading my scriptures almost daily; I go to the temple often; I try to make it through more than 1 hour of church each Sunday. I know my Savior is there. I know it. I feel his love. I do. But the advesary is also working very hard on me as well. And I feel a lot of darkness too. I don't think I could fight any harder than I am right now. I'm just so weary, so tired. Nine months and counting...how can I possibly endure this much longer...

Grief is a funny thing.

I went out of town for the weekend with my family. It was nice to get away, but yet I still feel like I'm in prison. I'm definitely a slave to my grief. For moments I can occupy myself with other things and seemingly forget for a time my deep sadness. Then without even thinking of it, this suffocating grief reals me in and I crumble into a heap of despair. It's actually quite debilitating especially when in public I have to excuse myself suddenly and run to a bathroom and sob. I think most of the time my eyes are bloodshot with tears.

In my situation when I think I've turned a corner or at least think I'm coming to a point of acceptance, another huge bomb drops and I feel as if I'm thrown right back to the beginning of the grief cycle. This baby was a HUGE bomb, even though I knew it was coming. It makes things seem so much more permanent and inescapable. Happiness, now, just seems much more elusive than before this baby was born. I don't know when I'll ever be able to look at a happy couple, a pregnant woman, or newborn baby again without having to excuse myself and run to the bathroom. I told my mom today I just need to walk around with my eyes shut.

And to add salt to a gaping wound, the happy new family seems completely unremorseful, attending their new ward together and planning their future temple wedding. Because I love my Heavenly Father so much, it angers me to see them mock God in this way. Of course, my "husband" believes "he'll be alright with God again, in the end..." I wasn't the kind of wife that he could have a "celestial marriage" with. After all, in his own words "living with me would be like living in misery, living in prison." So God will understand and be happy that he could find his celestial mate, even if he had to find her in sin. Even if he had to break up two temple marriages, two families, and destroy the lives of countless innocent people, so these two noble people could form a more celestial union. Ugh!!! I want to puke. This is what they truly believe. It's still hard for me to comprehend how people's minds become so delusional.

I want to thank those who was responded with words of encouragement to this blog. It truly helps to have those on your side. I hope one day when I'm stronger I can fight alongside with those victims like myself. I will be OK again. I am a fighter, but dang, it's rough riding through this storm.

The dam broke...again...

Momma J, just wanted you to know, I've kept you in my prayers as well...

I went to the temple late yesterday afternoon. It was good I did, because by nightfall I was a complete wreck. While I was in the temple I felt peace, comfort, and hope. I think sometimes I scare my parents by the extremity of some of my emotions. I have not given up. I still feel very strongly that my Heavenly Father is near and fully aware of my heartache; but I need to vent, I need to be angry...sometimes I think I need to hate for a little while. And one of those times was last night....

I came downstairs to tuck my daughter into bed and she was talking to her dad as she always does at night. She had her phone on the speaker function and I could hear her father's voice jubilant and talking about the parties they were going to have when she and her brother spent their next visitation with him in a couple weeks. As I walked into her room she became a little cautious, like she didn't want to tell me something. I asked her to tell me what she didn't want me to know, because I don't want her to keep secrets from me. She said the baby had come. That was enough for me. I kissed her goodnight. She knew I was upset. It was hard to hide it. She asked if I was mad at her. I said, of course not. I love you, then I went upstairs and vomited tears.

My mom came in to comfort her inconsolable child. I knew her heart was breaking too, seeing me in so much pain. I couldn't erase the image of this happy couple holding their newborn baby. It made me so angry. For the first time I wanted something really "evil" to happen to them both. I wanted something really evil to happen to my in-laws who've supported this union since day one, while trashing me from the get go. I wanted them all to feel the agony that I and my children and many others have suffered. I wanted them to "pay" big time. I kept hearing J's voice in my head over and over all happy and elated as he talked to my child last night. I was supposed to work today but told my boss late last night that I needed a day to recover. (She knows what's going on and has been really supportive thank goodness) All night I was sweating as I lay in a fetal position with my head pounding. Even though I probably slept a good 11 hours I was completely exhausted by morning. My sister in law, who's visiting, took the kids to school for me. But before they left, my daughter came in my room with tears in her eyes. I pulled her into bed with me and I held her tight. I told her again that I wasn't upset with her, that sometimes things happen that make you sad and you have to be able to cry so you can feel better again. I also told her that I didn't hate the baby and that I knew it was an innocent child of God. I again told her I loved her. She was OK enough to go to school, but I will pick her up later today to meet with her therapist, who is a real jewel and godsend.

J believes, and these words are out of his mouth, that him sleeping with one of my friends, impregnanting her, and leaving his family is a direct result of:

1. Me being emotionally abusive to him and the children
2. my anger problems
3. my so called clinical depression
4. my faking my testimony
5. my unwillingness to have sex with him every 3 days
6. my lack of skill with sex and the fact that it "sucked" every time.
7. my uncooperative attitude with experimenting sexually.
8. my unwillingness to see a psychiatrist for my mental problems that are ruining the family
9. me breaking all the temple covenants except for adultery
10. me not getting up at 6:30 am every morning with the kids and sleeping in until 7:00
11. me having a close relationship with my parents
12. me taking too many naps
13. me not trying to repent like his "mistress" is trying so hard to do
unfortunately the list goes on....he actually keeps one on his phone.

I think these are extremely valid reasons don't you??? True or not, if you're not a stepford wife who's a sex goddess then forget it. Eventually, if you're not meeting your man's needs then expect that he will look for the next bimbo that will. (sorry, just a little sarcasm)

On an end note, there was a time I truly believed all men were unsatiable sex addicts and given the right opportunity would leave their families. I don't believe that now. Although I've seen and heard too many horrific tales of infidelity, I know there are good and honorable men out there who love and cherish their wives....my parents, and my three brothers and their wives, for example. These are the men who set the standard as far as I am concerned. Like my dad always told me as a kid, "I love your mother more than you kids. Don't ever forget that. She comes first." And that's the way it should be.

Pain, Pain, go away

So today is my personal "D" day, or at least one of many in the last few months. This is the day my husbands mistress is scheduled to deliver their baby boy via c-section. A part of me wants to know that its happened and get it over with, and another doesnt know how I can possibly handle the news. I picture my "husband" cradling his new baby in his arms, taking pictures with his new family, and partaking in a moment that should be purely ours, mine and his--because he is still married to me. Like "Momma J" said in another post, Im still in this denial phase where I think of them together, shake my head, and think I cant believe this is happening to me. This is my life. And I too have gone through my life stages thinking, where did I go wrong? Where did I mess up along the way? My therapist and others alike say that what my husband has done has nothing to do with me. I desperately want to believe that. I just dont yet. Its not that I blame myself entirely like I did the first few months of this; I just dont understand why he didnt love me enough. Im sure those answers will come over time. Its just going through the roller coaster of emotions to get to a point of acceptance...which Im not even close to yet.

I think in accepting my new life, is also letting go of a dream, a dream of an eternal family, or at least the one I envisioned when I married J in the temple for time and eternity. I know I still have a chance at a celestial marriage again; I just have to be OK that its not what I envisioned... Im hoping that it will be even better.

Now, just getting through this mist of darkness is what Im focusing so much strength on. Its exhausting. I do want to shut myself in my room, lock the door, and sleep until its all over. I probably would if I didnt have to go to work and be a mom to my two kids. It would be so easy because the pain of heartbreak is so suffocating, and you just want it to stop. I do have hope for happiness again, but I honestly have forgotten what it feels like.

I believe one of the worst kinds of pain is betrayal. Especially when its inflicted by someone you loved so dearly, trusted so implicitly, and put on a pedastal; basically someone you truly believed was your "everything" in this world. Although I know J doesnt love (I dont know when he stopped) me, I still love him, and Im trying to break free from the 14 years of loving him so deeply.

His Name is Jet

I was doing homework with my son "Charlie" the other day. As he was writing his sentences he noticed that there was something peculiar about the name on the page. He said, "Mom! That's the name of daddy's baby! Jet!"

It's amazing to me how one word can pierce your heart--yet again. One word can have so much meaning and carry so much hurt behind it. Jet is the name, supposedly, of the unborn baby my husband is going to have with another married woman. She is due next week. My "husband" is having the baby that I've wanted for so long. My two pregnancies were a nightmare...I was hospitalized repeatedly and had homecare in addition. Basically I was tied to an IV bag most of my pregnancies. I'd often cry at church and pretty much whenever I'd see a pregnant woman or a baby, because I longed so much to have another. And now I still cry every time I see a pregnant woman or a baby. Only, the hurt and despair is twenty thousand times more potent.

And yet as I sit here, living with my parents and starting over, my "hubby" took no time at all to move on and move in with his girl toy and start a new family. A new family that doesn't include me. He wasted no time throwing out the garbage (me) and trading me in for his "princess" (as he referred to her). So when the old marriage wasn't all he envisioned it to be, he decided to start over. He has a new home, a new car, and a beach camping vacation all set up this summer....AND a baby on the way!!!! Jet, is his name. And the happy new couple are anticipating the day of his arrival and are SOOOOO excited and so blissfully happy together. Like "hubby" said, "I've never felt this way about anyone before....I love her....Why can't you accept it?" In other words, 14 years meant nothing, I mean nothing. In his words, "Our marriage was doomed from the start." A little ironic don't you think, considering his soon to be marriage?????

So yes my heart and my spirit is broken, and I'm trying to hard to see myself the way my Heavenly Father sees me, as his precious daughter. It's hard when I've been repeatedly stomped on and made to feel like "garbage." I truly loved this man deeply. And what's hard to accept is that I'm not sure he loved me all that much and that I just wasn't worth it.

I am really dreading the "blissful news" of next week. I fear that this event will throw me right back to the beginning of the grieving process. I think I'll ask my dad and brother for a priesthood blessing this weekend...

Anonymous me

I was inspired after reading mynotsoperfectmormonmarriage.blogspot.com to write about my own gutt punching experience. I will also keep my name and some details anonymous in order to protect myself and children. My children's names will be changed.

There's really not a great place to start. I've been dealing with this hell for over 8 months and still wake up most mornings confused and wondering how I got here, what I did to deserve such a fate, and how am I going to survive and protect my children. Some entries I write will probably be "keeping it real" so to speak. I will be extremely angry and vengeful saying stuff about my dirt bag loser husband and his whorrish souless girlfriend. And maybe one day every 6 months I may say something about these "two people" being God's children too and deserve every chance at happiness. Either way, I know the Lord has been there, shouldering some of the burden. I recognize his tender mercies. Through this ordeal I often think of the scripture, "Be Still, and know that I am God." (If you know specifically what scripture please tell me because I forgot...) So I know that in the end I will be happier than I've ever been. It's just getting through this darkness to the other side where there is light and peace that is tough. Just holding on tight and not giving up and Enduring WELL. Each day I have to remind myself that God loves me and is aware of my struggle and is helping me and that I WILL triumph through this. So in this struggle of ups and downs, discouragement, despair, sadness, and all the other crap that comes with the revelation that your spouse is a real jerk I hope that my thoughts will help someone else to not feel alone in this and know that there's many of us out there and WE WILL NOT GO DOWN WITHOUT A FIGHT!!!! WE WOMEN ARE STRONG! WE WILL TAKE OUR LIVES BACK!!

That's my Enduring well speech; remember that when I have a bad day and I need some of YOU to pick me up:) We're all in this together now. We can't lose faith...we can't lose hope.