I'm Stuck

I know it's been a while since my last entry. I just didn't feel like writing. I also didn't feel like this blog was really all that safe to vent my true feelings. I still feel a bit insecure about it, but we'll see how it goes. I just may not reveal as much as I used to. I fear that some, other than the ones I gave permission to read, have discovered my identity. That scares me, so I may delete this blog sometime soon because I really don't want anyone close to me knowing what's in my head. I am typically a private person so it's already been a leap of faith to do this. So if you see this blog has been cancelled, it's because I didn't feel it was safe any longer to express myself. It's nothing personal....I have serious trust issues.:)

Like the title says, I feel stuck. Everyday seems much the same lately. Just sad and feeling hopeless. While my children frolic with their father and his new family for six weeks, I am left behind trying to recreate a new life for myself. I feel empty and worthless, lost, rejected, and misplaced. I talk to my children often as they are having so much fun camping, going to Disneyland, going to parks, the beach, shopping, swimming at the pool, etc. They are attending church together with J's new family and forging a new relationship with their new brother and soon to be step siblings. I get pictures, text messages, and videos of it all here as I sit alone on my bed in my parent's house. My children mean well; they just want me to know the fun they're having. So I put on a cheerful voice as I tell them how happy I am that they are having so much fun. Then I fall asleep crying into my pillow.

My mom says she feels that there is happiness in my future. I want so much to believe it. I can't see it. I feel imprisoned in this state of despair. I will never find anyone to love me again; I will never be able to get out from under the monstrous debt continually piling on top of my shoulders; I will never be able to give my children the life they deserve; I will never be happy again, ever.

I can barely make it through an hour of church these days. Last week I didn't go at all--Father's Day. Everything I see hurts: families sitting together, babies, boys passing the sacrament, women talking about play dates, basically anything that resembles the life I used to know, the life I was robbed of. I don't know how to live in this world anymore. I'm trying so hard to find my place and figure out my new normal. I'm trying to move on. But, I'm hurting so bad. Lately I just lock myself in my room as soon as I get home from work. I feel protected there. Everywhere I go I get these anxiety attacks and I don't know how to control them.

There are so many raw emotions swirling around in my head. It's like a huge battle and the pressure just keeps building. Lately, sometimes when people talk to me I don't hear them, and they have to repeat what they're saying to me. My responses are usually short as I try to deal with the buildup in my head. It's suffocating, and I just want to scream as loud as I can to relieve the pressure.

Meanwhile.....a mom and a dad hold their newborn baby as they sit outside their camper watching the sun set on the ocean. The dad dips the baby's foot in ink and stamps it onto a piece of paper to later be framed. All of the other six children giggle as they kiss and caress their new baby brother. Later on, as they roast marshmellows over the campfire, they talk of that days' adventures: collecting seashells, swimming, and riding bikes on the boardwalk. Tomorrow, Disneyland....

I don't trust you

It's nothing personal, but I don't trust you. Nobody. (Maybe my parents, OK, and God, that's it) You're either a liar and/or have an expiration date on how long you'll like me, love me, or keep me around. If the one person I loved and trusted more than anyone betrayed and dishonored me in the worst possible way, how can I ever see trust again? Who knew if J ever loved me, honestly. How could I have been so blind? So stupid. So trusting? I had no idea. I believed in him. Little did my naive brain know that he secretly despised me, and who knows for how long.

I hear "I love you" so much these days, even from people I barely know.

I don't believe any of it. Just words. Meaningless words. No, lies actually. Most people currently in my life, have to be nice because they're being paid to or it's their religious obligation or duty. Do they REALLY care? Yes, friends and distant family members are also in the bunch. But I will soon be forgotten. My worth doesn't extend past a few years max. I have proof. I come with an expiration date.

At this point I don't think I want to marry again, ever. My heart isn't broken. It's been shredded into a zillion pieces. I'm still trying to process the cruelty I've experienced from J these past few months. I'm still in shock. I still can't believe it. I thought he was one of the good guys. I was wrong. And if I was wrong about him, how can I possibly tell the difference between the grass and the weeds?

I know you're reading this thinking, she has such a bad attitude. It's not that I'm ungrateful. I am. Every little bit of kindness, more actions than words, raises my level of trust, however small it is. It kills me that I can't trust people like I did before. I am very scared of letting myself get close to anyone. (I have a hard time even trusting my own children. That really frightens me.)

Who's true. Who's not. How will I ever know? What's real?

I know that it's going to have to take faith on my part to trust again. Right now, it's pretty difficult. Baby steps....

Another word for pain??

The emotions swirling inside me are unexplainable right now. I just came home from a very traumatic custody trial, one I hope many of you will never have to endure. As I write this I hold back the tears, as I always do. It's a habit of mine trying to protect those around me. Sometimes I think, I can't possibly feel worse than I do right now, then boom! More comes. To be completely honest, without any exaggeration, my J wouldn't even drop a tear if I dropped dead right now. He'd probably count it as a blessing from God. In fact, if he saw my corpse in the middle of the road he'd just assume run right over it. The hate I felt coming from him in court, along with his mother and girlfriend, was too much. Why? What could I have possibly done to deserve it when I've tried so hard to do the right thing?

Day two of court was more testimony from me, J, and his mother. Girlfriend and the baby did not appear. They made their point in trying to hurt me the day before. During my testimony, I didn't say anything negative about J or his "family." For me, the focus was supposed to be on the needs of my children; but that didn't stop the attacks towards me. Both days of trial I had to sit back and listen to these people I loved bash me. These are some of their words:

All she did was nap while he played with the children, fed them, bathed them, and attended to all their needs... I was never close to her...She created a hostile environment for me...she made communication impossible...she kidnapped the children...she hoped {girlfriend} would miscarry...She made it difficult for me to see my kids...she's selfish...(on and on about his baby, his beloved new girlfriend and new family and my resistance in letting them all be together)...i've tried to talk to her; I've told many people about her issues; she won't listen to anyone...She wouldn't get out of bed to make **** a pancake... she's turning the children against my baby and my girlfriend...they love the baby; they fight over who gets to hold the baby...they think (girlfriend) is so nice and like being with her...(on and on and on!)

How much more? Seriously, how much more? Even with all the hate and excruciating details about his baby and girlfriend coming my way, I still cried for J when I received primary custody of the children instead of him. I should have been weeping for joy. I was so grateful, don't get me wrong. I am. I think I will feel that more later. But, the trauma of the proceedings are lingering.

After the judge read his verdict I saw that J was very upset. I hurt for him. I still care for him and I hate that. He hates me!! His actions, his words are so vividly clear. The night before, I had received an email from him stating these words, "I expect prompt payment for the $82 you owe for your emergency room visit last December." I hope I don't need to explain why this would be yet another stab.

Even though I received primary custody, J gets a lot of liberal visitation and huge chunks of summer time, holiday time, and most three day weekends. And yet, I had to hold in my tears as I was told that I would have to leave my two children with him for 6 consecutive weeks, with no visitation. I have never been separated from my kids for more than a week. J fought me on this yet again. He wanted 8 weeks, at least, for the summer. It kills me that I won't be able to mother my children for that long. It kills me that they will be in a completely immoral, unstructured, chaotic out-of-state environment for 6 weeks! With a woman that doesn't love them at all, in fact despises one of them. I miss them so much already! And I feel powerless to protect them. It feels so unfair, so unjust.

I am so deeply wounded and hurting so badly... Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

In the Line of Fire

Today I appeared in court to fight for custody of my children. I knew it was going to be hard but didn't realize how much. In fact I think I'm still quite numb to it all. I will most likely break down after I return home. I'm just kind of in a daze right now.

J pulled out all the punches today when he brought his girlfriend and their new baby to court. I tried to prepare mentally for this possibility, but I don't think the gravity of seeing them together in person has really hit me yet. I prayed for the spirit to be with me. I know I was strengthened. After my initial testimony I walked out of court and there sitting on the bench directly in front of me was my mother in law, the girlfriend, and their baby. I just did what I naturally do. I went over to hug my mother in law. She was cold and stiff and looked at me with such hate and repulsion. That stung pretty hard. She had the baby with her so it was hard to avoid contact. I am complete mush when it comes to babies, so even though it was J's I reached down tenderly to touch the baby and made a comment about how sweet he is. Again, nothing forced. It just came naturally. Then, my mother in law snatched a blanket and covered the baby's head and said, "He's sleeping," like I was going to hurt the baby in some way. Yes, that stung too. I walked away kicking myself for reaching out to them and opening myself up to get hurt. Why did I do that? Why couldn't I have just ignored them and walked in the other direction? Why did I give them an opportunity to hurt me more?

Throughout the afternoon, I also endured over an hour of questioning as to why I moved my children out of state. I was accused of being selfish, using my children as pawns in my scheme to punish J, and alienating my children from their father. When J got on the stand he cried pitifully for the fact that I was keeping his children from him and that he missed them so much. Again, I was angry at myself for feeling sorry for him yet again even though I was being portrayed as a woman trying to keep her children away from their father. Why do I do that? Why after I've been beaten down so much am I still giving J the benefit of the doubt or at least sympathizing with him? He has hurt me soooo bad. And I still feel sorry for him. Why?

Yesterday I sat in the very ward J and I first met, about 15 years ago. It was the ward he first saw me for the first time and heard my testimony. It was where we fell in love. Going into sacrament meeting I had no idea that all those memories and feelings would come rushing back. I made it past the sacrament and then left sobbing. I pretty much cried for about 2 hours straight. My poor parents didn't know what to do with me, but I just couldn't stop. I kept thinking, what happened? I loved you so much; what happened to you? And then again, that pesky thought invaded my mind, "What did I do to you?"

Tomorrow is another day in court. The judge has made no decisions yet concerning custody. I wish tomorrow we could resolve everything and that I could finally be free of this monster burden. But, I fear that there will be future trial dates ahead. Oh, how I want this to be over. Today I thought, I don't know how I can keep doing this, feeling such intense pain and fighting so hard. I'm just tired, tired of it all. Tired of getting the crap beat out of me.

Through it all, I know it could be worse. I can't imagine the pain I would be feeling right now if my Savior wasn't carrying some of the burden. I know He's in the fire with me...