Nightmares

Many of us have feared the "monster under the bed" when we were children.  Even the popular Junie B., from the Junie B. Jones children's series, is afraid of the monster under her bed. "Mommy! Daddy! I'm scared that the monster will eat my piggy toes!" 

 As a young child I had chronic nightmares where large, bloody monsters chased me. They usually got me.  One picked me out of my bed and proceeded to eat me alive like a chicken leg. Another reached its hands over my bed and pressed on my chest so hard I couldn't move or breathe. I still remember the pressure on my chest and the terror I felt. I would try to scream, but no sound came out. I would try to run away, but my legs wouldn't move....This was the nature of my childhood nightmares, much like many of yours I'm sure.

Now the dreams are different. Scarier. Some very real. Others absurd. Of course, the most traumatic nightmare of them all happened when I woke up, not as I slept. (But that's another version ....Many of us have lived in one.)

The ones I have now are mostly due to my own trauma. I'm guessing it's all part of the PTSD syndrome, because they all have a common theme: Husband with girlfriend, their babies, my kids, and I am in their company watching them live as a family. Me in the way. Awkward. Out of place. Unwanted. 

Some are worse than others. Last night's left we reeling today. Don't know why, this was one of the "absurd" ones I think. 

At any rate, I woke up sweating and quite shaken. Here's the nightmare:

I walked into my new ward and found my ex-husband walking around and shaking hands with all the people. He was smiling and glowing. I was confused. Someone told me he had recently been re-baptized and because of all his humility and suffering in repenting he was elevated to Bishop status.  I could see the adoration his congregation had for him. His new wife, "M," basked in his glory as well. They were Ken and Barbie with their two beautiful angelic babies. 

I tried to hide in one of the pews, wondering how this could happen. I felt hollow, dark, and quite pitiful, like a drowned rat seeking shelter in a warm place during a rain storm. People avoided me. I avoided people. Finally "R" saw me and asked me to leave. "Get out of here and don't come back. You don't belong here." He seemed threatened by my presence. I ran away completely shell shocked. I felt betrayed once again...this time from my church. How could they let him back in? Why did they forgive him so easily and Why is he the Bishop? The caretaker of the Ward? Why does everyone love him? Don't they know what he did? Why don't they care? Why?! 

I left the church building but eventually came back. Don't know why. Felt a need to see again what I had seen. Was it real? Maybe it was just a dream...It wasn't. I again found him in the chapel surrounded by a large group of people. He was laughing and shaking hands with people around him. They all seemed to be vying for his attention. Suddenly, he caught sight of me and his countenance dropped immediately. I saw darkness and hatred in his eyes. Afraid, I ran away as fast as I could.  Instinctively I knew he wanted to kill me. Through the rest of the dream he pursued me with vengeance. In sheer terror I ran, hid, and ran again. He always found me, but I would manage to escape just in time. Near the end I found a home for abandoned babies and hid there. He kicked down the door and killed the woman who answered it. Meanwhile I kept thinking of how to save all the babies.

Then I woke up...Thank Heaven for my alarm!!!!