As I was on my way to church today I was thinking how nice it would be to write an entry on how "stable" I've been feeling lately. I won't use the word "happy" yet...If I do, something might jinx it!! Plus, I'm not out of the boiling water just yet. However, I'd like to think that I'm moving in the right direction. I desperately want to be happy again, to find peace, stability, and consistency in my life. I want to laugh again, to find true love (won't say "again"), experience real joy, and be at peace with myself and those around me. But, it's a process to get there. I don't care how strong you think you are when life dumps a big pile of sh** on you, you're not going to instantly give a relief society response of "Well, no one ever said it would be easy. I will find joy in this journey of smelly poop. I will use it to fertilize my lawn, that's what I'll do!" ...In comes another big drop of crap just as you're trying to dig her way out to find the shovel.
I sat in Relief Society today feeling like an alien creature who couldn't relate at all to humans on planet Earth. The lesson, Eternal Marriage!! Seriously!!!! I'm trying to make an effort to attend church regularly and lately all these damn lessons have been on Eternal families and marriages!!!! I sat there trying to find a piece of something to uplift me. Nothing! Just listening to literally every woman in the room weeping and wiping her eyes. Then the speaker reads a quote from Spencer W. Kimball basically stating that no decision you ever make is more important than in choosing a spouse. That your decision could impact your children and future generations. Holy Crap!!! Then she went on to list all the blessings of being married in the temple. And that being married in the temple strengthens marriages. And what a sacred experience it is to be sealed for time and all eternity. Meanwhile women are crying and I'm thinking of the last time I went to the temple and did an endowment session with R....We went with friends...Little did I know the woman I sat next to in the endowment room had already been having sex with my husband. She was probably already pregnant then. That following Monday our ward had family home evening night at the Los Angeles temple. We went with those same "friends" again. I didn't read anything into it when I saw R and M walking off together at the temple!!
I am not writing this to say I hate the temple or that I don't believe in Eternal marriage at all. But, come on...this just bites you know? I'm trying to get past this and see the true value of what I was taught as a young woman. I know it isn't a quick fix. And I'm so sick of people saying, "Just go to the temple. You'll feel better there. Go fill your cup."
So I don't know what I believe right now in regards to marriage. I just wish I could go to church and not feel so much pain. I know I should go and that's why I go. It's a family oriented church, and I'm still trying to find my place...and holy crap it still hurts!!!
Showing posts with label August 2011. Show all posts
Showing posts with label August 2011. Show all posts
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Tough Question...
I was asked recently how the Atonement has helped me heal. Well, for starters, I'm still in the process of healing, and who knows how long that will take. Who knows how long it will take to accept my "new normal" and forgive those that have hurt me. Lots of people like to give me their unsolicited recipe for happiness and forgiveness. Funny thing is, most of those people have never even come close to touching my pain. They are completely clueless. Nevertheless, these are some of their remarks:
-Don't be bitter; just be grateful for what you have.
-You need to love R and M--love them and pray for them, don't be hateful.
-You shouldn't ever hate or you're just like them.
-Read your scriptures and pray daily and you'll be fine.
-Snap out of it.
-If I don't see a smile soon I'm gonna snap.
-Let it go...it's time to move on.
-You're not even trying, you're giving up.
-Count your blessings.
-Everyone has trials. You just got to buck up.
-Why aren't you going to all three meetings? You should be going.
-You can choose to be happy. You're choosing to be miserable.
-Forgive them now. You're cankering your soul by being so angry.
Such helpful motivating gems. Usually when I've heard or read these I feel like hurling my body off a building. What's frustrating is that I AM TRYING. I'm holding on so tight to that iron rod that my knuckles are white and my palms are raw. And it's so much harder to hold on to because I rarely feel the Spirit. I struggle going to church. I hate seeing happy families. I rarely pray because I don't feel worthy or worthwhile of God's attention or care. Sometimes, I'm not sure I believe He's listening. Yet, I try to pray and read my scriptures at least once a day. A general authority (can't remember his name) once said that sometimes we have the faith to step into the dark before emerging back into the light. I think about that daily because right now I'm in the dark, and I have been for some time. It is miserable and there's lots of pain. I used to think that I was doing something wrong because I felt so bad all the time. But I realize that's not true. How can you feel completely healed when you're constantly being throwing under the bus and run over repeatedly? I've learned that it's OK to feel like crap when you've been gutted. Nevertheless, I try to find a few moments a day where I can smell the roses and feel some level of peace. They're often fleeting, but I am grateful for them.
It's been a challenging process to gain a testimony of the Gospel and Eternal Families through a different set of lens, from the perspective of my "new normal." Right now, I don't care if I ever marry in the temple again. I had that once...look where I ended up. I do, however, have a testimony of the Savior, and studying his life has helped me stay focused and steady on my pursuit of getting out of the dark and into the light. I do know that I'm not going to "cut loose and be naughty" like a few have suggested I do to relieve some stress. That has not and will never be an option for me. That's not to say that there aren't temptations and there are days I just want to throw in the towel. More than anything I do have to reach forgiveness at some point rather than wish that two people would burn eternally in hell...:)
I'll get there...on my own terms...looking to God as my anchor....
-Don't be bitter; just be grateful for what you have.
-You need to love R and M--love them and pray for them, don't be hateful.
-You shouldn't ever hate or you're just like them.
-Read your scriptures and pray daily and you'll be fine.
-Snap out of it.
-If I don't see a smile soon I'm gonna snap.
-Let it go...it's time to move on.
-You're not even trying, you're giving up.
-Count your blessings.
-Everyone has trials. You just got to buck up.
-Why aren't you going to all three meetings? You should be going.
-You can choose to be happy. You're choosing to be miserable.
-Forgive them now. You're cankering your soul by being so angry.
Such helpful motivating gems. Usually when I've heard or read these I feel like hurling my body off a building. What's frustrating is that I AM TRYING. I'm holding on so tight to that iron rod that my knuckles are white and my palms are raw. And it's so much harder to hold on to because I rarely feel the Spirit. I struggle going to church. I hate seeing happy families. I rarely pray because I don't feel worthy or worthwhile of God's attention or care. Sometimes, I'm not sure I believe He's listening. Yet, I try to pray and read my scriptures at least once a day. A general authority (can't remember his name) once said that sometimes we have the faith to step into the dark before emerging back into the light. I think about that daily because right now I'm in the dark, and I have been for some time. It is miserable and there's lots of pain. I used to think that I was doing something wrong because I felt so bad all the time. But I realize that's not true. How can you feel completely healed when you're constantly being throwing under the bus and run over repeatedly? I've learned that it's OK to feel like crap when you've been gutted. Nevertheless, I try to find a few moments a day where I can smell the roses and feel some level of peace. They're often fleeting, but I am grateful for them.
It's been a challenging process to gain a testimony of the Gospel and Eternal Families through a different set of lens, from the perspective of my "new normal." Right now, I don't care if I ever marry in the temple again. I had that once...look where I ended up. I do, however, have a testimony of the Savior, and studying his life has helped me stay focused and steady on my pursuit of getting out of the dark and into the light. I do know that I'm not going to "cut loose and be naughty" like a few have suggested I do to relieve some stress. That has not and will never be an option for me. That's not to say that there aren't temptations and there are days I just want to throw in the towel. More than anything I do have to reach forgiveness at some point rather than wish that two people would burn eternally in hell...:)
I'll get there...on my own terms...looking to God as my anchor....
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Kids are back...
So my kids came back Saturday from their 6 week, very chaotic, trip to see their dad in CA. Here's some of the things my kids told or texted me while away...
"Mom M had a tantrum today because daddy told her he just wanted to take me to Harry Potter alone. She started screaming and throwing things...later on S (her daughter) said she thought daddy and I should be able to go alone. M screamed bloody murder in her face for being on his side instead of her. Then she kicked her out of the house for the summer. S was crying a lot." (S is only 10 years old)
"Mom, M is trying to take the tires of the van so daddy can't take us anywhere. She's mad because daddy took her off his facebook....Daddy is coming home early from work to deal with her....She's crazy!"
"M is taking all our clothes that she bought for us. She screamed at us, if your mom has money to buy new boobs, she can buy you new clothes!"
"Did you talk to M today mommy?" (me): "No way" "M said she talked to you and you told her we were going to be in trouble for seeing Jet." (I told T that was a complete lie. She knew it too)
"M called daddy the a (asshole) word several times in front of everyone. She said you were lucky to be done with daddy. She said daddy was such a jerk."
"Daddy broke up with M today. We are going to Grandma's house. I only got to go to gymnastics once..."
"Grandma told daddy he needs to keep us away from M..."
"Daddy said he was sorry for moving too fast with M....that now when he dates he will wait a year before they get together."
"Daddy had family home evening with us. We watched a church movie about families."
"M called the cops on daddy while we went to visit Jet. She said we couldn't see him unless we wore face masks, so we don't get him sick.... We aren't even sick."
"Daddy says grandma thinks M is crazy...He says everyone at his work thinks she's crazy too."
Obviously, there's a lot to process here, for all of us. I've related these events to some, and usually they laugh at it all with an "I told you so" or "what a dumbass." Part of me feels that of course, but mostly I feel horrified and disturbed that my children have had to witness this mess; all the while their father plays "victim" whose been so horribly mistreated by this "crazy" woman.
"Poor daddy," my children think. I told my daughter that nobody made her dad be with M. He chose this himself. He brought this on himself. He is not innocent. I believe she understands. I also think his "apology" to my children is quite ludicrous...."I'm sorry I moved too fast with M...." Are you insane?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You slept with their mother's best friend numerous times, got her pregnant twice while still married to their mother!! You left your family!!! You chose to be with M over your children!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You chose sex over your children!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But, all you can say is, oops, Sorry kids I moved too fast. What as ass! loser! hypocrit!!
While the kids with their dad in Hell, I texted him this: "The children do not deserve any of this. I hope one day you will wake up and take responsibility for the choices you've made that have so grossly affected our children..." He replied "Ookee..." He's used this before in the past as a reply to someone who is crazy...
"Mom M had a tantrum today because daddy told her he just wanted to take me to Harry Potter alone. She started screaming and throwing things...later on S (her daughter) said she thought daddy and I should be able to go alone. M screamed bloody murder in her face for being on his side instead of her. Then she kicked her out of the house for the summer. S was crying a lot." (S is only 10 years old)
"Mom, M is trying to take the tires of the van so daddy can't take us anywhere. She's mad because daddy took her off his facebook....Daddy is coming home early from work to deal with her....She's crazy!"
"M is taking all our clothes that she bought for us. She screamed at us, if your mom has money to buy new boobs, she can buy you new clothes!"
"Did you talk to M today mommy?" (me): "No way" "M said she talked to you and you told her we were going to be in trouble for seeing Jet." (I told T that was a complete lie. She knew it too)
"M called daddy the a (asshole) word several times in front of everyone. She said you were lucky to be done with daddy. She said daddy was such a jerk."
"Daddy broke up with M today. We are going to Grandma's house. I only got to go to gymnastics once..."
"Grandma told daddy he needs to keep us away from M..."
"Daddy said he was sorry for moving too fast with M....that now when he dates he will wait a year before they get together."
"Daddy had family home evening with us. We watched a church movie about families."
"M called the cops on daddy while we went to visit Jet. She said we couldn't see him unless we wore face masks, so we don't get him sick.... We aren't even sick."
"Daddy says grandma thinks M is crazy...He says everyone at his work thinks she's crazy too."
Obviously, there's a lot to process here, for all of us. I've related these events to some, and usually they laugh at it all with an "I told you so" or "what a dumbass." Part of me feels that of course, but mostly I feel horrified and disturbed that my children have had to witness this mess; all the while their father plays "victim" whose been so horribly mistreated by this "crazy" woman.
"Poor daddy," my children think. I told my daughter that nobody made her dad be with M. He chose this himself. He brought this on himself. He is not innocent. I believe she understands. I also think his "apology" to my children is quite ludicrous...."I'm sorry I moved too fast with M...." Are you insane?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You slept with their mother's best friend numerous times, got her pregnant twice while still married to their mother!! You left your family!!! You chose to be with M over your children!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You chose sex over your children!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But, all you can say is, oops, Sorry kids I moved too fast. What as ass! loser! hypocrit!!
While the kids with their dad in Hell, I texted him this: "The children do not deserve any of this. I hope one day you will wake up and take responsibility for the choices you've made that have so grossly affected our children..." He replied "Ookee..." He's used this before in the past as a reply to someone who is crazy...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)