Dr. Obgyn

Today I went for my "annual" visit to my OB. I didn't think there would be anything to it, just standard procedure. I went to the same doctor who delivered my youngest who is now 7 years old. He was the doctor who pretty much got a daily call from me or my husband while I was so very sick with my pregnancy. He was the doctor who instructed my husband on how to care for me as I lay in a fetal position in a dark/silent room for weeks on end hooked up to an IV. To this day he claims I was one of his sickest patients. A couple months after my son was born he put in an IUD (which is an internal form of birth control). Because my pregnancy was so traumatic I was terrorized at the thought of getting pregnant again anytime soon. My husband and I decided that we would wait at least 5 years before trying to have another baby. After a couple years that yearning for another child started to grow. I wanted another baby so badly and envied the women who could carry them without any complications. I knew for me being pregnant again would be a tremendous health risk as well as a huge burden on my family.

As the years passed I prayed that I would one day again be able to have more children. I also spent hours researching international as well as local adoptions. I was prepared to pay anything, do anything to bring another spirit into our family. About 2 years ago my husband and I started the adoption process through LDS services. I was so excited and ready. Right before we were to pay our first installment of fees and start the home study, J tells me, "Our marriage sucks. We need to get counseling before we continue this." As harsh and shocking as his view of our relationship was, I agreed to meet with a therapist. I knew our marriage wasn't perfect but I didn't think it "sucked" like my husband had so eloquently expressed. So we put our adoption on hold for a time to work on the marriage. Meanwhile, I still received emails from LDS services and other agencies informing me of babies who needed mothers. My heart ached to hold those babies. I dreamed about those babies.

I was optimistic that our marriage was going to be stronger than ever, our family more united and ready to accept another little person to cherish and love. Oh, how naive and completely clueless I was....Four months after counseling, my dream was completely derailed. The first hit came when my unremorseful husband, after being caught, confessed to having sex repeatedly with my friend. Then another surprise a couple weeks later when he told me she was expecting their child. (Later on I read in an email how excited he was that they might have twins.) That night I cried and screamed until there were no tears left. Later on, I found out that while I was screaming into my pillow, J was emailing and texting his lover and making plans for their life together with their new baby.

Fast forward almost a year and I am sitting in the lobby of my OB's office. I'm looking over at the table covered with pregnancy and baby magazines. The nurse calls me in and asks if I'm expecting. I softly reply, "just a pap visit." I suddenly feel nauseous. She leads me to the exam room and a few minutes later the doctor emerges with a huge smile on his face. Even though I haven't seen him for a couple years he still remembers me. "How are you?" he beams at me. "I'm OK," I say then add, "I was thinking of having you remove my IUD." He smiles and says, "Really? You're ready?" meaning, ready to get pregnant again? I was startled by how much that question hurt. His smile shifted quickly into a stunned expression, kind of like a deer in headlights as I blurted out, "My husband left me and got my friend pregnant, so I won't be having babies anytime soon." As I left the office I knew my doctor was distraught and shocked over the news. He did his best to comfort me, but really what can anybody do for me these days?

What can anybody do for me or my two perfect beautiful children that I already have, who are being terrorized by this whole awful hellish ordeal? I can't imagine how horrific this must be for them. I wish I could take it away, I wish they didn't have such a deadbeat selfish poor excuse for a father. I wish that they didn't have to spend years of their precious life wasted on dreams of their parents getting back together. I wish they didn't have to go to school in shame and humiliation as others with "whole" families talk about them or pity them. Sometimes I wish it was only me that J hurt and that I could take all the pain he has also inflicted on my children, my parents, relatives, and friends. I'm sick of seeing the financial, emotional, mental and physical toll this monstrous sin has taken on those I love and cherish. It's not fair that so many innocent people have to suffer.

I talked brifely to J last night and he told me, "I'm still seeing that LDS therapist (in CA). She's really helping me (meaning helping him and his girl in merging families)." Good, I'm so happy for you J. I'm so happy that you're happy. I'm excited that you're going to church every Sunday and reading your scriptures and getting your life back on track. What a blessing it is that you can so quickly recover from your sins. I'm glad that the therapist is helping you and your new family see the light again. You really are remarkable. I just wish I could be as happy as you and find true love like you have. And thanks for sharing so much detail about your son in letters to the children. We all love reading about every sound and new thing Jet does. Please continue to keep us all posted. I'm so thrilled you're FINALLY happy! What a miracle for you.

The Chains of Debt

I'm never going to be able to get out of my parent's house. My legal bill has climbed almost to $30,000 so far, and I'm not even divorced yet! And then there's my credit card bills on top of that. I'm trying not to get discouraged. I'm trying to be positive and believe there has to be a way out of this. I'm trying not to spend money and be frugal as I've always been. Meanwhile, my dear husband of 12 years and his bimbo spend and spend relentlessly on clothes, pedicures, manicures, vacations, Disneyland annual passes, etc. I hate being a burden on my parents who are sacrificing so much to keep me afloat. I hate not having a home of my own for my children. I hate being in so much debt and never seeing the end of it. I was always the saver, not the spender, in the marriage. Look where it's gotten me. I never imagined I would be in such financial ruin because of my selfish loser poor excuse for a husband.

Struggling for hope

I know there is so much evil out there. I have seen it, and felt it. I want nothing to do with it, but sometimes we have no choice but to come face to face with it. Lately, I feel like I've been completely engulfed in darkness. Yesterday I felt absolutely no hope. No hope for myself, for my children, no hope that I will marry an "honorable" man one day, that my daughter will marry an honorable man one day, or that my son will BE an honorable man one day. Yesterday I truly believed that there wasn't one man on the face of the earth who is truly honorable. I felt doomed to a life of misery. I asked my dad for a blessing last night. I felt better after I talked to him and after he blessed me with the Spirit of peace. Again I was reminded that my father is an honorable man, even if he's the only man I trust right now. Knowing and feeling that, a little piece of hope was restored.

Although it's not something I desire right now, I do hope to marry again some day. This tsunami of a trial has completely shaken my sense of worth. It's horrible. I feel like many women, chewed up and spit out...used...unwanted garbage. In my mind I don't believe there's anyone out there who could possibly be attracted to someone like me, a pasty white girl who could lose a few pounds, grow a few cup sizes, lose the stretch marks from child birth, etc., etc.
I hope one day I won't feel so insecure, that I will know that I am a beautiful daughter of God, inside and out. That anyone would be lucky to have me.

Till then, I plunge forward in faith, holding on tight...