Grief is a funny thing.

I went out of town for the weekend with my family. It was nice to get away, but yet I still feel like I'm in prison. I'm definitely a slave to my grief. For moments I can occupy myself with other things and seemingly forget for a time my deep sadness. Then without even thinking of it, this suffocating grief reals me in and I crumble into a heap of despair. It's actually quite debilitating especially when in public I have to excuse myself suddenly and run to a bathroom and sob. I think most of the time my eyes are bloodshot with tears.

In my situation when I think I've turned a corner or at least think I'm coming to a point of acceptance, another huge bomb drops and I feel as if I'm thrown right back to the beginning of the grief cycle. This baby was a HUGE bomb, even though I knew it was coming. It makes things seem so much more permanent and inescapable. Happiness, now, just seems much more elusive than before this baby was born. I don't know when I'll ever be able to look at a happy couple, a pregnant woman, or newborn baby again without having to excuse myself and run to the bathroom. I told my mom today I just need to walk around with my eyes shut.

And to add salt to a gaping wound, the happy new family seems completely unremorseful, attending their new ward together and planning their future temple wedding. Because I love my Heavenly Father so much, it angers me to see them mock God in this way. Of course, my "husband" believes "he'll be alright with God again, in the end..." I wasn't the kind of wife that he could have a "celestial marriage" with. After all, in his own words "living with me would be like living in misery, living in prison." So God will understand and be happy that he could find his celestial mate, even if he had to find her in sin. Even if he had to break up two temple marriages, two families, and destroy the lives of countless innocent people, so these two noble people could form a more celestial union. Ugh!!! I want to puke. This is what they truly believe. It's still hard for me to comprehend how people's minds become so delusional.

I want to thank those who was responded with words of encouragement to this blog. It truly helps to have those on your side. I hope one day when I'm stronger I can fight alongside with those victims like myself. I will be OK again. I am a fighter, but dang, it's rough riding through this storm.