No Guarantees

So I have a hard time constantly being the doom and gloom girl. Mostly I like to be a people pleaser. I tend to hide my feelings and not share them, because I don't want others to carry my burden. I don't want others to feel my anguish. I thought about breaking up the monotony of depressing blogs with something cheery and happy, but at this point I wouldn't be staying true to my feelings. I want to be completely honest so that others who read, whether victims or persecutors, will get a true glimpse of my pain due to another's actions.
So far, I've only written entries when I'm feeling completely overwhelmed. So looking at the dates is a good indicator that most days for me are almost impossible to endure. More or less, I generally write this blog because it's therapeutic for me. I couldn't get in to see my therapist today, so I hope that in writing I'll feel better. Here we go...

I woke up this morning completely exhausted. It was difficult to open my eyes and get out of bed. I got a good 9 hours of sleep, but I still woke up completely drained. I'm still dragging myself around the house like I haven't slept in days. I was supposed to take my car in today to get some repairs done, but I gave up on that. I wanted to clean the house but I just can't. It's not just fatigue, it's trying to pace out my grief, if that makes sense. I don't want to have a nervous breakdown and completely fall apart. I'm trying desperately to keep it together for my family who is so concerned about me. I'm trying to keep it together so THEY don't fall apart. If I'm happy, they're happy. I'm trying, but sometimes I just can't keep up and I have to stop and just be a vegetable for a bit and do absolutely nothing.

I've heard a few times in past months that happiness is not guaranteed in this life. I believe that in ways, because I know others who have suffered most their lives either from emotional and/or physical pain. So I'm starting to wonder if this is my fate, that I will have to figure out how to deal with being completely unhappy for the rest of my life. Today I just feel like pulling my hair out and screaming at the top of my lungs. I'm so sick of feeling like this. I'm tired. Nine months and counting....and I feel like it's going to be forever.

My "husband" and I are in the middle of a custody battle, extremely bitter. The kids and I are currently living out of state and I left with them in November to get away from a very toxic environment and seek comfort from my family. J called me on the road threatening to call the HWY patrol because I took the kids without his permission. (FYI, our bishop talked him into letting us go.) It was only supposed to be temporary because I truly believed at the time that while we were away J would get his act together and see what he was missing--basically I planned on our family being reunited this summer. I had no idea that as he was hauling our stuff off to storage, he was picking up his girlfriend (my good friend at the time) and making plans to live with her after we left. Now a completely broken woman, he accuses me of kidnapping his children. He accuses me of neglect and emotional abuse towards our children. He's also demanded that I get a psychiatric evaluation because I'm mentally unstable. His dad is also suing me for about $10,000, half of the money he "gave" to J and I for a deposit on a condo over 10 years ago. I'm already over $13,000 in debt with my attorney fees. It'll probably be over $20,000 when it's all said and done. So I wonder if I'll be in complete financial ruin after the divorce is final. June is judgement day in court. I'm fighting as hard as I can to keep my kids here where they are truly thriving and doing well. They still get to see their dad a couple times a month. But, that's not good enough for him. He wants them every two days. He wants at least 50 percent custody. He also doesn't think I deserve much support from him, so he's fighting hard to keep every cent of his "hard earned" money. Meanwhile....he's still going to church and living a "holy" life.

I'm trying to keep my heart soft and not to get so angry and bitter. But I am angry! I am soooooo angry! I feel emotionally "raped" over and over. I hate that word but it's the closest thing I can think of to define how I feel. People say I will be happy again. But how? How can I ever get past this trauma? How can I ever trust again? How can I possibly pull myself out of this pit? I'm clawing furiously trying to get out; and once I think I've made it to the top, J comes along and takes his big black combat boot and kicks me back down into the dark hole, laughing at me the whole way.

I'm praying with all my heart; I'm reading my scriptures almost daily; I go to the temple often; I try to make it through more than 1 hour of church each Sunday. I know my Savior is there. I know it. I feel his love. I do. But the advesary is also working very hard on me as well. And I feel a lot of darkness too. I don't think I could fight any harder than I am right now. I'm just so weary, so tired. Nine months and counting...how can I possibly endure this much longer...