I thought I would care, watching my ex and his mistress (my ex-best friend) go down in flames. At the beginning, I longed for that day of retribution.
People told me that once that day came I wouldn't care as much, because I would have moved on. Yeah right! Why would I not want a front row seat to that shit show? I would enjoy every second of it. It's what I longed and hoped for. I even prayed to God that I wouldn't have to wait that long.
Well, Karma didn't take long to bite my ex in the ass. At first, I admit, there was a bit of satisfaction watching him squirm and writhe around in the muck.
But, now, not so much. After five and a half years and the sting of betrayal has softened, I've lost interest. Why? I've taken advantage of every opportunity to help me heal and create enough distance away from my trauma that I don't have to feel the pain of it every second of every day.
What opportunities? Therapy, group therapy, bitch sessions with my "damaged friends" aka "The League of Incredibly Damaged Women" (we might get jackets:), self-care, study, lots of introspection, and keeping a connection with God.
Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum don't hurt me as much as they used to. In fact, my ex husband has become like an old high school boyfriend, someone who was the center of my universe but no more
Maybe everything I'm saying is bullshit. It could be a possibility that I have some emotional block, not allowing myself to feel what I want to feel, that deep down inside I want to point my finger at them and laugh and say, "Serves you right you pieces of shit. Enjoy living in Hell. You both deserve it!" If that's the case, I'm cool with it. I'm secure enough with myself, knowing I'm not always going to get it right, but I'm trying. And right now, I'm ok.
I'm in a good place and excited about a future of endless possibilities and new beginnings. I am learning to trust and be kind to myself and that no matter what happens, I'm ok. My life is mine to live, and I am choosing to make the best of it, one moment at a time, because all I really have is now. And why the Hell would I want to waste those precious moments of my life thinking about two people that hurt me.
There is life after betrayal. I promise. No matter where you are now, just keep moving. One step in front of the other. Good things will come, and that pain that permeates every part of your existence will gradually fade into a distant memory, that is, if you're willing to let it go and take a leap.
I've watched Karma take my ex husband through the ringer and there wasn't even adultery involved... just severe narcissism. He thought the grass would be greener with someone else. Over 15 years later he still hasn't found anyone. He is still going through a job every 18 months. He bounces in and out of his mom's house - a woman he had forever professed to hate. He's lost a house and every dream he ever told me he had. He's a sad little man now. But to be honest by this point I actually wish that karma would lay off of him a little. I still care for the jerk in some small way, at least enough to hope he finds some level of happiness one day. Time heals wounds even if it will never take the scars away.
ReplyDeleteI just got this message. Can't believe I missed it! Yay Karma definitely has kicked my ex in the balls...hard! And I agree, like yours, he is a sad little man. I don't think he's hit rock bottom yet, and if he has I'm not sure if he will ever be able to redeem himself...at least not in this life... On another note, I have a new blog! Come check it out waitingformarkwahlberg.blogpost.com:)
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