I'm Gonna Make It!

I love my California...wish I could live there. Honestly. It's where I feel most at home, most at peace. On the beach with sand between my toes and salty breeze blowing through my hair. If I had all the money in the world I would move to Huntington and buy a shack on the beach.

But, I can't. There's a lot I want but can't have. At least, at this moment. There's a lot of regrets, things I wish I had done or hadn't done. Sometimes I wish I had a different life, a life free of pain, or at least a life with less pain. I look at photos on Facebook of fun vacations, memorable moments, new babies, weddings, and happy families. I sometimes feel a familiar jolt of pain remembering that "my family" isn't what it once was. My previous version of family vacations, photos, memorable moments, babies, etc. are no more. Things have changed. It's life. My life. I've felt so much loss, still do at times. I can never have what I had, be what I was, do what I did, live like I did. I used to think how devastating that was. But yet, it's been a rebirth for me. And, yes, I absolutely still feel pain. A lot of it. In fact, right now I'm sitting on my couch alone during a holiday with my dog. Later on, there will be fireworks and celebration. I will probably still be in my house alone. Sounds bleak doesn't it? I actually started to feel sorry for myself and then stopped. I'm on this path to find happy, contentment, peace, thicker skin, whatever.... I don't have to feel ashamed. Sometimes I actually feel liberated! Of course, pain is there. It will always be there in some degree. In fact, I still cry every day. But, I don't cry as long, and the clouds part and I can see the sun and its warmth on my face. That warmth is my hope.

So, while on the plane to a recent trip to California I decided to write all the things in this new life of mine that I'm grateful for. I know there are a million more things I've missed, but at least it's a start. For me to look on the brighter side. And that's coming from a girl that previously looked at "the glass half empty." Here I go...(not in any significant order)

- my healthy mind and body.

-roof over my head

-two careers I love

-two awesome kids

-my loyal dog Tonka

-living in my own home

-chance for a fresh start

-new friends

-new perspective

-newfound strength

-freedom to choose for myself

- loving parents

-a wonderful brother Joe

-caring siblings

-my auntie Em

-kind neighbors

- rockin cousins

-independance

-loving and merciful God

-my two guardian angels, my grandmothers

-primary custody of children

-newfound courage to speak

-wonderful therapist for my children

-two awesome therapists for myself!! haha

-beach sunsets and beach runs

-good books from inspiring people

-God's tender mercies

I was going to put diet coke on the list, but thought that might be a little sketchy! haha! Anyway, I want to add to this later. I know there's more. I do feel very blessed as cliche as that sounds. I do. I am a lucky girl. I just need to remember it. I am loved and valued by so many people. And the most important thing of all, and the greatest gift that has come from this "tragedy" in my life is that I'm finally seeing that I am a gift to me!! I have value and worth. And as long as I believe that I think I'm going to be OK. 

Love you all! Think of you often!

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