My Road to Happy

I'm on a quest, a road to happy. I'm not talking about the kind of happiness that comes with a  carefree, worry and problem-free life or a life of fame, fortune, prestige, power, and optimal health. Whether we admit it or not, I believe we all yearn for that...an existence where we have an unlimited supply of money, resources, friends, family, opportunities, talents, and perfect health. Perhaps many have that, but for most of us, that isn't reality. And I'm not talking about the happiness derived from such good luck anyway. It's fairly easy to be happy in that arena. And if you're not, something is seriously wrong with you! haha. I'm talking about being bare bones happy, when you have nothing but believe you have everything. When life keeps "pooping" on you, you still cry a bit, but then stand up, find your pearl and say, "It's going to be a lovely day. I'm so glad to be alive! I love myself and I love all the wonderful things God has blessed me with." So easy, right? Uh...not so much. This goal of mine is HARD!!!! And I used to get sooooooo ticked off with people that would say, "You can choose to be happy or not. Smell the roses why don't you? Look at all the blessing instead...Find joy in the journey." Oooooh I hated that last one. "Why don't you go find joy in your own damn journey! Leave me alone. My life sucks. You don't understand. There's nothing to be joyous about!" 

Now, I do believe in the 4 or 5 step grieving process.  I think we need to give ourselves permission to feel everything we need to feel, including hate, anger, despair, sadness.... We have to in order to heal.  And I'm still cycling through all those emotions. They aren't as severe as before, so that's a good sign I think. And with the dust settling a bit, I'm ready. Ready to move on and find my peace, even though my life continues to drop little bombs here and there. So I figure, it's my life. I have to walk it. No one can do it for me, right? So I might as well choose happy.

I am currently reading, "The Power of Positive Thinking" by Norman Vincent Peale. Many of you might have read this. It's an international bestseller. I found it at a used book store and simply love its message of positive self affirmations. It works! I've been trying his techniques, and I will say that so far I feel lighter, happier, and hopeful. I've had so many triggers this past week with my kids being gone, and I've been able to pull out of them faster and with less pain. I've looked more at prayer and God as a sense of comfort and a source for energy. Here are some excerpts from the book that have really helped me so far...

"The blows of life, the accumulation of difficulties, the multiplication of problems tend to sap energy and leave you spent and discouraged. In such a condition the true status of your power is often obscured." In other words, you don't see what's truly wonderful and glorious in your life. You are overcome by the draining power of pain.

"The essence of "happiness" lies in a change of mental attitude. One must learn to live on a different thought basis, and even though thought change requires effort, it is much easier than to continue living as you are. Life of strain is difficult....The chief struggle then in gaining mental peace is the effort of revamping your thinking to the relaxed attitude of acceptance of God's gift of peace."

Yeah, it's been hard. Naturally when I hurt, I want to curl up in a ball and hide. Sliding back down into the pit of despair and doom is easier for me for some reason. But, I'm miserable there all alone in the dark. I don't want to be there. I don't think many of us do. And for me personally, I've accepted that my "problems" aren't going away any time soon. I've got serious crap to deal with. So knowing that I can't control the bad things that happen to me, I can control how I handle them, or at least how I perceive those things and how to deal with them. Changing my mindset has been hard, because generally I am a "realist" by nature, expect the worst, hope for the best. So changing how I've always approached my life hasn't been easy. The good thing about my "lot" is that I'm open to changing, to becoming better, to understanding more, and since I'm a student of life, I'm open to learning and growing even as I fall again and again.

Who knows, this happiness "mumbo jumbo" might all be a sham. haha. I'm still in this trial and error stage of finding out what works for me and what I want. For now, I'm enjoying this little quest and must say I'm liking the results. One of the affirmations I repeat to myself several times a day, out loud is, "I love and approve of myself. I see myself and what I've done and do through the eyes of love. I am strong. I am safe." It's so much better than filling my head each morning with, "Melissa, nobody wants you. You brought this on yourself. Give up now. You're going nowhere. You've failed."

No way. Those words aren't going to hurt me and taint my world anymore. Instead I long for this...

"Having been changed inwardly, you will begin to create out of yourself not unhappiness, but a happiness of such quality and character that you will wonder if you are living in the same world. As a matter of fact it won't be the same world because you are not the same, and what you are determines the world in which you live, so as you change, your world change also."