Three guys in college dated me because they thought I looked like Nicole Kidman...hence the hair. My ex-husband was also initially drawn to me because of the hair. This pic shows a shorter version, but it actually ran down my back. My hair defined me, "the girl with the gorgeous red hair."
One
Sunday at church the teacher asked us all to write down what we liked
about ourselves....I thought and thought......um....oh yeah, my hair! I
love my hair! That's an easy one. And why not? It's what everyone else
loves about me. Everywhere I'd turn, "Oh Melissa, I love your
hair....It's sooo beautiful....I wish I had your hair....Is that a
natural red?....You have such beautiful hair....You look like Nicole
Kidman!" My hair was my complete identity. And that was the only thing
on my list that I liked. As hard as I contemplated and flexed my brain, I
couldn't think of one more thing to add. Of course, the list of things I
hated about me went on forever.
Often while trying to fall asleep at night, I'd fantasize about the
perfect version of "me." I'd start from the top of my head down to my
toes and work in some "personality" adjustments as well. Of course
there had to be a lot of surgery to fix the outer appearance. And that was
the easy part, but the personality?? That one would be a toughy. Wasn't sure
how to fix that....hmmmm. I was stumped, but still proud to say there was one thing I wouldn't change, my flowing red locks!
I
cut my hair shoulder length my second year in college. Later that year I
was diagnosed with clinical depression and bulimia. It was one of the
darkest years of my life, and I still look back and wince at the pain.
I'm
not saying the chopping of my hair was my fall. It could have been
purely coincidental. But, it's tragic when once that gorgeous head of
hair was gone, I no longer believed I was somebody. My hair had brought
me so much adoration and attention. There simply wasn't anything else I
could offer. Looking back I can see how pathetic and sad that outlook
was. I was a beautiful person. I just didn't see it. And that damn hair had nothing to do with it.
Do
I think I'm beautiful today? Well, I think I've come a lot farther than
that 17 year old girl whose hair was her only validation for worth and
beauty. Now, my beauty comes from my pain, the tears, my joy, the
laughter, my battles, the wounds, my victories, the scars. I am
beautiful because I am still a work in progress. I am sooooo far from
perfect. Anyone that knows me, knows that. But I do have so much to
offer. I do! I am courageous. I am kind. I am genuine. Let's start with
those....Hopefully I will continue to add to that list. :) And although I
am sloppy and messy at this, I am a fighter. Even when I'm laying in a
puddle on the floor screaming and crying in hopeless agony...I
eventually get back up.
So
I guess I've come a ways since those early days:) I know I have battles
left to fight and wounds and scars to accumulate. But, I'm still
determined to realize all that I am and to see my life with more
meaning, more understanding, more peace, more love, and more beauty.
So if you will, please ponder these questions and answer if you'd like...
uh yeah you have gorgeous hair!! I wish I still had mine :(
ReplyDeleteWow this was really inspiring, thank you! I myself have "gorgeous red hair" the kind everyone wishes they can have even on the days when i do nothing with it, I get compliments. But just like you, it has made me feel that all I have to offer is my hair. I feel like my only identity is my hair. This has confirmed my decision not to cut my hair after all :).
ReplyDeletethanks for writing this! we all have our "red hair" thing hey...Sometimes we don't even know how NB something is until its not there anymore.
ReplyDeleteEven though your cutting didn't get the results you wanted, I applaud it. It uncovered some stuff underneath, that had to be dealt with - otherwise all you have is a pretty wrapping over a rotting piece of meat ( I know it sounds gross, but really thats what the internal breakdown is).I say clean it all up and it will make the wrapping truly reflective of whats inside.
Well done for doing all the hard work!!!
finding our identity in how we look is a very slippery slope. And it seems like as women that is what we are taught from the time we are young. I liked the list you made of things that you feel about your self now. we all need to find those attributes in ourselves that inspire us to be better people, and make us feel good about ourselves. Because they are usually the things that make us find good in others also.
ReplyDeleteI was a bit the same with my hair, only on a lesser scale. I chopped it very short a number of times and my ex hated it every time. I didn't understand how the same face could look so different to him just because of how I had my hair.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, great post. I would say I feel my most beautiful when I feel confident. I couldn't begin to tell you what makes me feel confident, but every once in a while it peeps through.
I say we all go bald and force others to see us for who we are in spite of our hair. :)
OK, it's a deal! haha. Who's in????!
ReplyDelete