Holy Crap!

As I was on my way to church today I was thinking how nice it would be to write an entry on how "stable" I've been feeling lately. I won't use the word "happy" yet...If I do, something might jinx it!! Plus, I'm not out of the boiling water just yet. However, I'd like to think that I'm moving in the right direction. I desperately want to be happy again, to find peace, stability, and consistency in my life. I want to laugh again, to find true love (won't say "again"), experience real joy, and be at peace with myself and those around me. But, it's a process to get there. I don't care how strong you think you are when life dumps a big pile of sh** on you, you're not going to instantly give a relief society response of "Well, no one ever said it would be easy. I will find joy in this journey of smelly poop. I will use it to fertilize my lawn, that's what I'll do!" ...In comes another big drop of crap just as you're trying to dig her way out to find the shovel.

I sat in Relief Society today feeling like an alien creature who couldn't relate at all to humans on planet Earth. The lesson, Eternal Marriage!! Seriously!!!! I'm trying to make an effort to attend church regularly and lately all these damn lessons have been on Eternal families and marriages!!!! I sat there trying to find a piece of something to uplift me. Nothing! Just listening to literally every woman in the room weeping and wiping her eyes. Then the speaker reads a quote from Spencer W. Kimball basically stating that no decision you ever make is more important than in choosing a spouse. That your decision could impact your children and future generations. Holy Crap!!! Then she went on to list all the blessings of being married in the temple. And that being married in the temple strengthens marriages. And what a sacred experience it is to be sealed for time and all eternity. Meanwhile women are crying and I'm thinking of the last time I went to the temple and did an endowment session with R....We went with friends...Little did I know the woman I sat next to in the endowment room had already been having sex with my husband. She was probably already pregnant then. That following Monday our ward had family home evening night at the Los Angeles temple. We went with those same "friends" again. I didn't read anything into it when I saw R and M walking off together at the temple!!

I am not writing this to say I hate the temple or that I don't believe in Eternal marriage at all. But, come on...this just bites you know? I'm trying to get past this and see the true value of what I was taught as a young woman. I know it isn't a quick fix. And I'm so sick of people saying, "Just go to the temple. You'll feel better there. Go fill your cup."

So I don't know what I believe right now in regards to marriage. I just wish I could go to church and not feel so much pain. I know I should go and that's why I go. It's a family oriented church, and I'm still trying to find my place...and holy crap it still hurts!!!