Tough Question...

I was asked recently how the Atonement has helped me heal. Well, for starters, I'm still in the process of healing, and who knows how long that will take. Who knows how long it will take to accept my "new normal" and forgive those that have hurt me. Lots of people like to give me their unsolicited recipe for happiness and forgiveness. Funny thing is, most of those people have never even come close to touching my pain. They are completely clueless. Nevertheless, these are some of their remarks:

-Don't be bitter; just be grateful for what you have.
-You need to love R and M--love them and pray for them, don't be hateful.
-You shouldn't ever hate or you're just like them.
-Read your scriptures and pray daily and you'll be fine.
-Snap out of it.
-If I don't see a smile soon I'm gonna snap.
-Let it go...it's time to move on.
-You're not even trying, you're giving up.
-Count your blessings.
-Everyone has trials. You just got to buck up.
-Why aren't you going to all three meetings? You should be going.
-You can choose to be happy. You're choosing to be miserable.
-Forgive them now. You're cankering your soul by being so angry.

Such helpful motivating gems. Usually when I've heard or read these I feel like hurling my body off a building. What's frustrating is that I AM TRYING. I'm holding on so tight to that iron rod that my knuckles are white and my palms are raw. And it's so much harder to hold on to because I rarely feel the Spirit. I struggle going to church. I hate seeing happy families. I rarely pray because I don't feel worthy or worthwhile of God's attention or care. Sometimes, I'm not sure I believe He's listening. Yet, I try to pray and read my scriptures at least once a day. A general authority (can't remember his name) once said that sometimes we have the faith to step into the dark before emerging back into the light. I think about that daily because right now I'm in the dark, and I have been for some time. It is miserable and there's lots of pain. I used to think that I was doing something wrong because I felt so bad all the time. But I realize that's not true. How can you feel completely healed when you're constantly being throwing under the bus and run over repeatedly? I've learned that it's OK to feel like crap when you've been gutted. Nevertheless, I try to find a few moments a day where I can smell the roses and feel some level of peace. They're often fleeting, but I am grateful for them.

It's been a challenging process to gain a testimony of the Gospel and Eternal Families through a different set of lens, from the perspective of my "new normal." Right now, I don't care if I ever marry in the temple again. I had that once...look where I ended up. I do, however, have a testimony of the Savior, and studying his life has helped me stay focused and steady on my pursuit of getting out of the dark and into the light. I do know that I'm not going to "cut loose and be naughty" like a few have suggested I do to relieve some stress. That has not and will never be an option for me. That's not to say that there aren't temptations and there are days I just want to throw in the towel. More than anything I do have to reach forgiveness at some point rather than wish that two people would burn eternally in hell...:)

I'll get there...on my own terms...looking to God as my anchor....