I know there is so much evil out there. I have seen it, and felt it. I want nothing to do with it, but sometimes we have no choice but to come face to face with it. Lately, I feel like I've been completely engulfed in darkness. Yesterday I felt absolutely no hope. No hope for myself, for my children, no hope that I will marry an "honorable" man one day, that my daughter will marry an honorable man one day, or that my son will BE an honorable man one day. Yesterday I truly believed that there wasn't one man on the face of the earth who is truly honorable. I felt doomed to a life of misery. I asked my dad for a blessing last night. I felt better after I talked to him and after he blessed me with the Spirit of peace. Again I was reminded that my father is an honorable man, even if he's the only man I trust right now. Knowing and feeling that, a little piece of hope was restored.
Although it's not something I desire right now, I do hope to marry again some day. This tsunami of a trial has completely shaken my sense of worth. It's horrible. I feel like many women, chewed up and spit out...used...unwanted garbage. In my mind I don't believe there's anyone out there who could possibly be attracted to someone like me, a pasty white girl who could lose a few pounds, grow a few cup sizes, lose the stretch marks from child birth, etc., etc.
I hope one day I won't feel so insecure, that I will know that I am a beautiful daughter of God, inside and out. That anyone would be lucky to have me.
Till then, I plunge forward in faith, holding on tight...
Amen sister... A.M.E.N.
ReplyDeleteI feel it too.
Today, I called my friend who is an esthetician sobbing as I told her how crappy I feel. You see, I get zits from the stress, then the stress causes me to pick, then I bleed and scab, and then pick the next day which then causes scars. I'm like one big zitty scab scar woman! I haven't seen my face like this in years! Honestly!
Isn't it amazing what this kind of pain and stress will do to our bodies or self esteem and the entire person we used to be? I feel like I've been drained of the happy, optimistic person that I was once. I'm slowly shriveling into a big blob... a big blob with no self esteem.
I don't trust anyone either. It's something I can't explain, but that blind trust and faith I used to have, it's gone- vanished.
But, YOU are so beautiful! The other night, I felt that you were just glowing... there is nothing fake or superficial about you... you are charming and bright and smart and have a great haircut :) and you are just so beautiful! I'm serious about this... I hope I'm not over doing it here, but you truly are! It was like you were radiating in the restaurant... Your smile warms the room.... even the waiter thought you were hot... lol... :)
Someday, you will be happy again... with or without a man...
Someday... ugh... it seems so far away doesn't it?
To be honest, I'm tired of everyone telling me that and here I am telling it to you.... wow!
Thinking of you my dear... YOU ARE SO BEAUTIFUL! I felt so comfortable around you :)
xoxo