Another word for pain??

The emotions swirling inside me are unexplainable right now. I just came home from a very traumatic custody trial, one I hope many of you will never have to endure. As I write this I hold back the tears, as I always do. It's a habit of mine trying to protect those around me. Sometimes I think, I can't possibly feel worse than I do right now, then boom! More comes. To be completely honest, without any exaggeration, my J wouldn't even drop a tear if I dropped dead right now. He'd probably count it as a blessing from God. In fact, if he saw my corpse in the middle of the road he'd just assume run right over it. The hate I felt coming from him in court, along with his mother and girlfriend, was too much. Why? What could I have possibly done to deserve it when I've tried so hard to do the right thing?

Day two of court was more testimony from me, J, and his mother. Girlfriend and the baby did not appear. They made their point in trying to hurt me the day before. During my testimony, I didn't say anything negative about J or his "family." For me, the focus was supposed to be on the needs of my children; but that didn't stop the attacks towards me. Both days of trial I had to sit back and listen to these people I loved bash me. These are some of their words:

All she did was nap while he played with the children, fed them, bathed them, and attended to all their needs... I was never close to her...She created a hostile environment for me...she made communication impossible...she kidnapped the children...she hoped {girlfriend} would miscarry...She made it difficult for me to see my kids...she's selfish...(on and on about his baby, his beloved new girlfriend and new family and my resistance in letting them all be together)...i've tried to talk to her; I've told many people about her issues; she won't listen to anyone...She wouldn't get out of bed to make **** a pancake... she's turning the children against my baby and my girlfriend...they love the baby; they fight over who gets to hold the baby...they think (girlfriend) is so nice and like being with her...(on and on and on!)

How much more? Seriously, how much more? Even with all the hate and excruciating details about his baby and girlfriend coming my way, I still cried for J when I received primary custody of the children instead of him. I should have been weeping for joy. I was so grateful, don't get me wrong. I am. I think I will feel that more later. But, the trauma of the proceedings are lingering.

After the judge read his verdict I saw that J was very upset. I hurt for him. I still care for him and I hate that. He hates me!! His actions, his words are so vividly clear. The night before, I had received an email from him stating these words, "I expect prompt payment for the $82 you owe for your emergency room visit last December." I hope I don't need to explain why this would be yet another stab.

Even though I received primary custody, J gets a lot of liberal visitation and huge chunks of summer time, holiday time, and most three day weekends. And yet, I had to hold in my tears as I was told that I would have to leave my two children with him for 6 consecutive weeks, with no visitation. I have never been separated from my kids for more than a week. J fought me on this yet again. He wanted 8 weeks, at least, for the summer. It kills me that I won't be able to mother my children for that long. It kills me that they will be in a completely immoral, unstructured, chaotic out-of-state environment for 6 weeks! With a woman that doesn't love them at all, in fact despises one of them. I miss them so much already! And I feel powerless to protect them. It feels so unfair, so unjust.

I am so deeply wounded and hurting so badly... Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.