In the Line of Fire

Today I appeared in court to fight for custody of my children. I knew it was going to be hard but didn't realize how much. In fact I think I'm still quite numb to it all. I will most likely break down after I return home. I'm just kind of in a daze right now.

J pulled out all the punches today when he brought his girlfriend and their new baby to court. I tried to prepare mentally for this possibility, but I don't think the gravity of seeing them together in person has really hit me yet. I prayed for the spirit to be with me. I know I was strengthened. After my initial testimony I walked out of court and there sitting on the bench directly in front of me was my mother in law, the girlfriend, and their baby. I just did what I naturally do. I went over to hug my mother in law. She was cold and stiff and looked at me with such hate and repulsion. That stung pretty hard. She had the baby with her so it was hard to avoid contact. I am complete mush when it comes to babies, so even though it was J's I reached down tenderly to touch the baby and made a comment about how sweet he is. Again, nothing forced. It just came naturally. Then, my mother in law snatched a blanket and covered the baby's head and said, "He's sleeping," like I was going to hurt the baby in some way. Yes, that stung too. I walked away kicking myself for reaching out to them and opening myself up to get hurt. Why did I do that? Why couldn't I have just ignored them and walked in the other direction? Why did I give them an opportunity to hurt me more?

Throughout the afternoon, I also endured over an hour of questioning as to why I moved my children out of state. I was accused of being selfish, using my children as pawns in my scheme to punish J, and alienating my children from their father. When J got on the stand he cried pitifully for the fact that I was keeping his children from him and that he missed them so much. Again, I was angry at myself for feeling sorry for him yet again even though I was being portrayed as a woman trying to keep her children away from their father. Why do I do that? Why after I've been beaten down so much am I still giving J the benefit of the doubt or at least sympathizing with him? He has hurt me soooo bad. And I still feel sorry for him. Why?

Yesterday I sat in the very ward J and I first met, about 15 years ago. It was the ward he first saw me for the first time and heard my testimony. It was where we fell in love. Going into sacrament meeting I had no idea that all those memories and feelings would come rushing back. I made it past the sacrament and then left sobbing. I pretty much cried for about 2 hours straight. My poor parents didn't know what to do with me, but I just couldn't stop. I kept thinking, what happened? I loved you so much; what happened to you? And then again, that pesky thought invaded my mind, "What did I do to you?"

Tomorrow is another day in court. The judge has made no decisions yet concerning custody. I wish tomorrow we could resolve everything and that I could finally be free of this monster burden. But, I fear that there will be future trial dates ahead. Oh, how I want this to be over. Today I thought, I don't know how I can keep doing this, feeling such intense pain and fighting so hard. I'm just tired, tired of it all. Tired of getting the crap beat out of me.

Through it all, I know it could be worse. I can't imagine the pain I would be feeling right now if my Savior wasn't carrying some of the burden. I know He's in the fire with me...