Momma J, just wanted you to know, I've kept you in my prayers as well...
I went to the temple late yesterday afternoon. It was good I did, because by nightfall I was a complete wreck. While I was in the temple I felt peace, comfort, and hope. I think sometimes I scare my parents by the extremity of some of my emotions. I have not given up. I still feel very strongly that my Heavenly Father is near and fully aware of my heartache; but I need to vent, I need to be angry...sometimes I think I need to hate for a little while. And one of those times was last night....
I came downstairs to tuck my daughter into bed and she was talking to her dad as she always does at night. She had her phone on the speaker function and I could hear her father's voice jubilant and talking about the parties they were going to have when she and her brother spent their next visitation with him in a couple weeks. As I walked into her room she became a little cautious, like she didn't want to tell me something. I asked her to tell me what she didn't want me to know, because I don't want her to keep secrets from me. She said the baby had come. That was enough for me. I kissed her goodnight. She knew I was upset. It was hard to hide it. She asked if I was mad at her. I said, of course not. I love you, then I went upstairs and vomited tears.
My mom came in to comfort her inconsolable child. I knew her heart was breaking too, seeing me in so much pain. I couldn't erase the image of this happy couple holding their newborn baby. It made me so angry. For the first time I wanted something really "evil" to happen to them both. I wanted something really evil to happen to my in-laws who've supported this union since day one, while trashing me from the get go. I wanted them all to feel the agony that I and my children and many others have suffered. I wanted them to "pay" big time. I kept hearing J's voice in my head over and over all happy and elated as he talked to my child last night. I was supposed to work today but told my boss late last night that I needed a day to recover. (She knows what's going on and has been really supportive thank goodness) All night I was sweating as I lay in a fetal position with my head pounding. Even though I probably slept a good 11 hours I was completely exhausted by morning. My sister in law, who's visiting, took the kids to school for me. But before they left, my daughter came in my room with tears in her eyes. I pulled her into bed with me and I held her tight. I told her again that I wasn't upset with her, that sometimes things happen that make you sad and you have to be able to cry so you can feel better again. I also told her that I didn't hate the baby and that I knew it was an innocent child of God. I again told her I loved her. She was OK enough to go to school, but I will pick her up later today to meet with her therapist, who is a real jewel and godsend.
J believes, and these words are out of his mouth, that him sleeping with one of my friends, impregnanting her, and leaving his family is a direct result of:
1. Me being emotionally abusive to him and the children
2. my anger problems
3. my so called clinical depression
4. my faking my testimony
5. my unwillingness to have sex with him every 3 days
6. my lack of skill with sex and the fact that it "sucked" every time.
7. my uncooperative attitude with experimenting sexually.
8. my unwillingness to see a psychiatrist for my mental problems that are ruining the family
9. me breaking all the temple covenants except for adultery
10. me not getting up at 6:30 am every morning with the kids and sleeping in until 7:00
11. me having a close relationship with my parents
12. me taking too many naps
13. me not trying to repent like his "mistress" is trying so hard to do
unfortunately the list goes on....he actually keeps one on his phone.
I think these are extremely valid reasons don't you??? True or not, if you're not a stepford wife who's a sex goddess then forget it. Eventually, if you're not meeting your man's needs then expect that he will look for the next bimbo that will. (sorry, just a little sarcasm)
On an end note, there was a time I truly believed all men were unsatiable sex addicts and given the right opportunity would leave their families. I don't believe that now. Although I've seen and heard too many horrific tales of infidelity, I know there are good and honorable men out there who love and cherish their wives....my parents, and my three brothers and their wives, for example. These are the men who set the standard as far as I am concerned. Like my dad always told me as a kid, "I love your mother more than you kids. Don't ever forget that. She comes first." And that's the way it should be.
Holy Crap!!
ReplyDeleteWhat a list! Rip it up and burn it!
YOU DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER THAN THIS ANYWAY!!
Good for you for being angry! Sometimes I think it really helps us to let it out- and I mean all of it!
I'm so sorry for your pain. I too feel that all men are sex addict creeps! Hopefully one day I can learn to trust and see the goodness of men again...
Oooohhhh that list!! BURN IT!!
xoxo
Seriously?! He keeps the list on his phone????? Niccce! I can see it now, a frazzled man walking down the street shrinking with every step. He pulls out the handy-dandy cell phone for quick and easy fix. Ahhh, a sigh of relief…. access to justification (available any moment of the day or night by cell phone) as the shadows of guilt begin creeping up like leeches slowly sucking the life out of him.
ReplyDeleteSure hope that cell phone battery hangs on 24/7 or the man might find himself in the depths of hell! I am supposing that if he didn’t keep a running tally he might forget his “justification” and entitlement to the freedom of defying all that is virtuous, lovely and of good report. I wonder what Heavenly Father would think of his laundry list? So tell the man to hang on tight to that little cell phone fix of his, and maybe even encourage him to carry an extra battery pack just in case. Have you considered a battery pack for father’s day this year? The perfect gift!
Forgive the sarcasm. Sit tight through your personal hell bubble girl no more and recognize where this guy truly is. He has to keep coming up with stuff so he can sleep at night. None of us are perfect. None of us make the perfect wives or mothers! We do all that we can do with the knowledge we have and Heavenly Father is so absolutely good with that. It can be so discouraging to be human sometimes!;) Satan would love for the laundry list belonging to the father of your children, to get under your skin, in your brain and pull you down to the point of actually considering that there is potential truth in those bullet points. Don’t even go there!
You are powerful! You are a daughter of God, Royalty!!! You are an heiress to everything the father has to offer and your choices seal this power upon you and your posterity. Even as the pain of sorrow begins to engulf you, you are being refined to rise, stand taller, brighter and more magnificent than you thought possible. One moment, one minute, one day at a time you will find yourself. How do I know? I cried your tears once too. I never could have imagined what wonderful things were on the other side of that big, black, ice mountain of grief. It ends up that it was really worth the climb! Has it been sorrow free and constant joy? No, but just so much more and better than I thought possible or life could have been without the climb. Strap on your climbing gear “sista” and grab an ice axe, it gets slick and icy closer to the top. I think you half way there.
I am so pulling for you in my little way. I’m right behind your Father in Heaven and your big brother Jesus, who ultimately will pull you to the other side as he keeps the promise he made to you, you know the one, when he promised to be your Savior.
You are in my prayers!
Keep Blogging,
Standing In Light (SIL)
I just had to let you know that even if those demands and expectations were acceptable (which they are NOT), it still wouldn't matter!?! A righteous Priesthood holder would strive to work things out and to keep their own covenants NO MATTER WHAT -- not use their spouse's supposed "failings" as excuses to break their own covenants. I could almost feel sorry for him in his pitiful little fantasy world if he weren't causing such heartache and devastation to those he had committed to love and care for!
ReplyDeleteI want you to know that, yes, there are righteous priesthood holders out there and that things can (and should!) be different! I can testify to you that this is true because I am living it -- and though it has not been, and still is not, an easy road, it has been a climb we are still making together day by day!
When I wasn't able to meet my husband's "needs" in the way that he thought they should be met, and despite extreme clinical depression and other associated problems on my part (and therefore difficulty with "pulling my weight" in our home and with our children over many years), through great effort and sacrifice on his part, my husband has come around to understanding, accepting and supporting me where I am at. We've been married over 20 years and are still working together to do the best we can. It's not easy, and he is far from perfect (as am I!) but he strives to work on it daily, recognizing and accepting that he makes mistakes and needs to do better, then looking to the Savior for help in doing so.
I don't tell you this to cause you to feel badly about your own situation, but to give you hope of better things and especially to validate you and let you know that that hideous list you shared is just plain evil and I hope you do all you can to rise above where he and the adversary are trying to drag you down to.
May God bless you and continue to give you the strength to meet your difficult challenges. Thank you for having the courage to share -- you are in my prayers as well!
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