A Letter To Todd

Dear Todd,

I was so touched by your message. Thank you. 

As the years pass, the support, the friends, the tolerance for my pain wains. It's incredibly hard to deal with this stuff alone. Or at least that's how I feel at times. God is always there. I know that. But, I still struggle with loneliness and going on a path "less traveled." Or at least not traveled by most people I've known my whole life.

It's so scary. Everywhere I turn, people have different answers, different views, different directions to take. I have never been more confused in my entire life. At times it's so suffocating and I just want to escape! Like...  to Orange County for example. Head to my favorite, Huntington Beach, sit on the sand, watch the surf, feel the sun on my face, sand between my toes, and breeze across my face. I want that right now. Badly. But, I'm stuck. Bankruptcy left me financially bone dry, and paycheck to paycheck on a single mom's salary pays for the essentials, bare minimum essentials. 

Yeah, I feel trapped, a lot. I live in Utah, which makes me feel more judged, over burdened by expectations, and lost. Of course, I know leaving isn't going to solve my problems or heal my heart. But, a small break from it all would be nice:)

Still, right now, right here, I suffer. Three and a half years later. I should be "over it" by now dontcha think? That's what I thought. That's what I hoped for with constant therapy, support groups, and other methods of counseling and self care. It's exhausting to be crying all the time. I wish my life wasn't such a roller coaster and that I could just be content. Where life could just be boring for a while. I thought by now I would be there. That I wouldn't still be having flashbacks and triggers. That my next relationship would be problem free, and my prince charming would sweep me off my feet and take me away from all the tears and pain. That was my fantasy. Not now. I know better. Just because you've experience one trauma doesn't mean you're done. They keep coming at you, punch after punch. And it doesn't help that you're still broken and quite wounded from the first blow. That you don't know who to believe or what to believe anymore.

My church says to stick to my "sure foundation," to those principles I've been taught and have known my whole life. Well...sorry, but my foundation was rocked... to the core. And that foundation is riddled with mines...triggers. I can't go back to what once was. I can't. At least right now. I can't go down that path again.

What I was doing before ended up in catastrophe. I know it wasn't my fault, but that doesn't stop the triggers from coming and inflicting their stabbing pain. I'm a very spiritual person. Always have been. Responsible. Reverent. Thoughtful. I want to know truth because I am a truth seeker. Not believing just want I'm told, but questioning, thinking, measuring, feeling...everything. It's exhausting!

Life was sooooo much easier in "the bubble." Sometimes I wish I could go back, even if I lived in denial or oblivion that my husband was an ass. I wouldn't be crying every night of the week, sleeping in a fetal position while sweating bullets, defending myself to everyone, struggling to pay rent, getting my heart broken boyfriend after boyfriend, worrying and dealing with my children's abuse by their dad's girlfriend, screaming in my closet, committing sins I wouldn't otherwise, thinking about drinking alcohol to numb the pain,  and on and on. 

No, I haven't given up. But, I have given myself a little slack lately. Which is weird, considering I was so uptight before. I tend to live in the present these days. The future for me is so uncertain, so scary. 

I feel ok at the moment, that I didn't jump on the same train I was on before my ex left. That's just not me anymore. I like me now. Or at least I'm trying to like the "new" me. I'm a good person with a good heart. I love God and I love his Son. I want to be close to Him. I need to. He was blessed me in so many countless ways these past few years. He knows me. He love me. I feel that to be true. I'm not convinced yet, but I hope He knows that in my heart I truly am doing the best I can. As I make mistakes and learn from them, I'm trying to live a genuine, authentic life where I can love myself and others unconditionally. A life without bitterness or hate. I want to be free of that. I want to let all this crap go. I do. But, boy, it's sooooooo damn hard. But, I won't stop trying Todd.

And I know you won't. From your sweet message I sensed a strong, resilient spirit. 

Your words truly lifted me that day. Thank you:)


Melissa aka "bubbles."