Where Did She Go?

I know my posts lately have been few and far between. I am still dealing with my "stuff," and sometimes wonder if there will ever be an end to it. 

It's been over three years since the "blindsiding." I was thinking about it last night, remembering who I was the moment just before J told me "the news." I don't know that woman anymore. But sometimes I really miss her. I grieve the loss of her and I'm angry that she was taken from me. Because that person knew (naively believed, but she didn't know that) she was safe. She didn't doubt things. She believed in her God, loved her family, her children and husband completely. She served others wholeheartedly, enjoyed friendships and time developing her talents. She got to stay home each day and nurture her two beautiful children, walking them to and from school, taking them to the library, volunteering at their school, scheduling play dates, reading to them, teaching them about God and loving others, and much more. She loved being a mom and felt it was the greatest and most noble position to be had. She felt blessed and lucky that she had such a great life. Her whole world was perfectly planned and structured. She had no reason to fear. Her husband was a divine gift from God. She cherished him, idolized him.  

The day he graduated from ****** she couldn't have been more proud. She had flown to this prestigious graduation honored to be the wife of such a noble man and wept during the ceremony. She didn't mind being on the sidelines as he was praised and adored by many. He deserved all of it. He was her prince, her eternal companion, and she couldn't believe she was so lucky that he was hers. All hers.

Back then, she was innocent and pure. Sins mild in comparison to what is now. Her biggest "sins" were arguing with her husband, the occasional swear word, yelling too much at her children, and judging others too harshly. She took pride in the fact that she was an obedient daughter of God, faithful and long suffering having a solid foundation and confident she could weather any storm. Her testimony in her Gospel was solid, and she loved her God with all her heart.

Right before receiving the "news" from J, she was trying to find the willpower and strength to stop drinking Diet Coke. At the time, it seemed like a worthy goal, especially because it was turning into a mild addiction. That was not Godly and felt she needed to master the urges of her mortal body in order to become more celestial. She was also reading "Jesus the Christ" and felt uniquely connected to her Savior.

Life was comfortable and predictable. It felt safe. Evil could come blasting through her front door and she would be armed and ready. After all, she had prepared to face the beast her whole life. She had been perfectly trained and would not falter when held over the fire.

****

I miss that girl. That girl was going to heaven. That girl was obedient. I'm angry that I've been thrust into a new world I don't understand, wasn't prepared for. I didn't grow up in dysfunction. My parents loved each other, still do, still gush and coo when they see each other. My brothers adore their wives, respecting and honoring them. I'm from a family of brothers who served full-time honorable missions. Everyone married in the temple and went to church universities. My dad was a bishop. My mom a relief society president. I attended all years of seminary, earned all my young women awards, received my patriarchal blessing early, graduated from BYU, planned to serve a mission, but found prince charming and decided to marry him instead...in the San Diego temple of course. We both served in leadership callings in our wards. He was the Elders Quorum President and YM President. I served mostly in the primary. 

Everything was happening like clockwork. We were having babies, graduating college, buying homes, and getting promotions. Life was good. I felt blessed because we were so obedient.

Now, I don't know who I am anymore. I am scared. I feel lost and without solid footing. Sins? ha! I honestly don't know what God thinks of me now. Disappointment? Daughter, you failed. Daughter, what has happened to you? The past me would NEVER do what the now me would do. I feel ashamed and unworthy. But, what am I to do when I don't trust anyone or anything? I have these walls and I don't know what to do about it. I am desperate for answers, for help, for reassurance. I have good friends, good therapists, but they can't change what happened or help me see what I should do. I am scared of being punished, of being cast out, rejected, abandoned... again. But, I'm still so angry. And I don't trust my previous rock, my Church, to help me back up. I don't know what to believe. I am tired. I am frustrated. It's been 3 years. What is wrong with me?

I'm scared to know the truth sometimes. though often I'm desperate and pleading. I don't know what to do. I pray. Many times a day. That's all I can do for now. I pray that God will forgive me. Not be angry or disappointed in such a faithless disobedient daughter. What more can I do?

Love myself? I'm trying...