Where My Ladies At? I Need You...

Sometimes I wonder if it ever gets easy. Life, I mean. Three years and counting and I still find myself in the "land of delirium." Maybe not as much as before...but still. Still, I don't know who to trust...who's going to stick around. But, I really need anyone? That is the question. Because I keep "losing" people in my life, for whatever reason. They just cycle in and out. I've never been good at having "temporary" relationships. It's not that I'm needy or clingy. I just like to keep what I've got. I value real people in my life. I may not always show it very well. In fact I know at times I suck! But, I love well, and I love deeply. You may wonder, what the hell is she talking about? Well, for starters, the man I love sped out of my life tonight. Literally. Pealed out of my driveway as I stood there in tears asking if he could talk to me some more. I'm not playing victim here, I don't think. But it left another gaping hole in my heart. Trying desperately not to sink into that deep pit of self doubt and self hate. Oh, it's so easy. It's so easy to take the path of "it's all me. I wasn't enough. I was too much. I asked for too much. I didn't give enough. I am not enough. What could I do to make his eyes sparkle again when he looked at me? I tried so hard. Why? Why did I fail again? What is wrong with me?!" I'm not looking for the typical comments of, "Well, he lost out on a good thing," or "his loss," "You're better off." At this point, my head is spinning...again...and I don't know what to believe. I know I'm hurt...again. I loved deeply...again. And it failed...again. It seems only natural for me to blame myself rather than him. I love him. I wish I was enough for him. But, something was wrong. Don't know what. For now, I just do what I do...get back up. It's what I've known for three years now...