I sat through a pretty painful sacrament meeting today...my dear friend's baby girl's blessing. My friend "Mary" is one of the best people I know, truly a Christlike woman with infinite faith. I've known Mary for years and have been with her through her darkest hours. Nothing seems to throw her off course, even though I know she's tripped and fallen a few times. She is a woman of strength and courage. I love Mary.... But I can't help but envy her.
I sat next to her mother in church today as she held her precious newborn granddaughter. Mary's husband, a strong and honorable priesthood holder, blessed this perfect little child dressed in pearl white lace. It was a beautiful blessing, and the whole family wept together in the congregation. Then, one by one, mother, father, brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles got up and bore their tearful testimonies of eternal families and the blessings of this gospel and how glorious it is to be a member in this church.
Although I've known this family for years, and I love them dearly, I felt truly out of place. I didn't feel like I "belonged" with them. I sat next to them alone with my two children, who couldn't stop fighting the whole time. I was humiliated and wanted to leave. I'm not oblivious to the fact that this family has had evil at their door many times over the years. I know their lives aren't perfect. Yet, they seem to be genuinely happy and at peace. Their testimonies are powerful and solid. They love the temple and seek every opportunity to go. I know this. I don't understand it.
I know I'm not worthy to go to the temple right now. I have a desire to go, but feel I don't belong anymore. Sometimes I feel like a "lesser" child of God. I've been trying to see my "divine potential," but it's hard sometimes. I don't quite understand all the basic principles of the gospel that I've been taught my whole life. I don't see things as black and white anymore. Maybe it's because I'm tainted, I'm lost, I've fallen. I don't know. It's a very confusing time for me. Still trying to sift through my life and find those nuggets of truth. I know I am growing, understanding, and learning the things I should have learned long ago. But, for some reason I can't shake the feeling that God is disappointed in me--that I have let Him down, that I don't belong in His church with His "elect" people.
And so I wander through life like the new kid trying to find a table to sit at for lunch in the cafeteria. I look around at all the people and groups of kids and see that I don't have anything in common with them. Some of them snicker at me, the odd new kid, while others turn their backs and ignore the awkward void in the corner. Humiliated and shamed I run to the bathroom and hide in the stall until lunch is over....As ridiculous and juvenile as this seems I feel this at times. Not sure where to sit, look, walk, or stand. Where do I go? What do I do? Where do I belong? Why do I even care so much?
Oh gosh, I know this feeling well. I'm so, so sorry. I had to smile when you commented about hiding in the bathroom, because I think I've literally done that at church a few times. I've also sat in numerous testimony meetings where I have looked at the speaker and thought "I am nothing like you."
ReplyDeleteI don't know that it helps, but I do believe that most church members (especially the women) have experienced this type of "feeling like the only one who is different." I once had a relief society lesson where this topic was brought up, and the instructor asked the room who had felt, at times, like they were outside the norm, or that they didn't belong or "fit in" for some reason. Every single woman in the room raised her hand. I guess I'm just slowly realizing that this collective-type thing we call "The Church" is really just individuals, each with a different set of circumstances, hardships and trials (many of which are not public). I try to remind myself of this when I feel alone in the crowd.
Also, I wanted you to know that I've loved your blog. Your strength and grace have touched me and helped me along my own journey.
I completely understand. It's one of the hardest parts of being a member of the church for me - looking around and seeing perfection and happiness and feeling out of control and out of place.
ReplyDeleteBut every now and then I feel like we might look like the normal happy at peace family to everyone else. And (clearly) we are not. So, I try to remember that just because a person has a good day, feels at peace for a moment, or looks put together temporarily - doesn't mean they do/are.
And even if they are all of those things, it doesn't mean we can't be. Because I truly believe that we ALL can regardless of where we are now.
ReplyDeleteI think the hardest thing also is that I know how imperfect I am and I don't feel like I'm "worthy" to be among such holy people. I'm not sure why I feel this way so much. I know they aren't as "holy" as they appear to me. I just feel guilty that I'm not better myself, more pure. That I don't go to the temple, read my scriptures daily, Go to all three meetings, go to Enrichment night, hold a calling, hold family home evenings, and have family scripture study...like I'm "supposed to." And that like many divorced single middle aged women...falling into temptations and beating the hell out of myself for them. It's hard!
ReplyDeleteI just want to say that over the course of time I've been reading your blog I feel like you've come a long way. Even just your general tone is more peaceful.
ReplyDeleteI've learned a lot about the Gospel in the last few months. After getting over the shame and embarassment of realizing my life is nothing like I expected, I've discovered something new and liberating. The Gospel used to be about eternal marriages, Enrichment activities, fulfilling a calling, service and scouts. Of course those are all parts of the Gospel. It used to be about being righteous and proving that to everyone on Sunday. But what the Gospel means to me now is something different.
It is a relationship I have with my Savior, that he understands me and it is a peace from God that I feel in the midst of hurt and betrayal. It is about the belief that someone IS in control of all the tragedy on Earth and that I will be compensated for the sacrifices I'm making. It means one more thing, it means loving everyone, sharing the same peace and understanding I feel from God with others by saying "To heck with your mistakes, I love ya anyway."
Not all marriages are eternal, sometimes enrichment activities are a waste of time, and being kind and compassionate is more important than rated R movies, tithing or geneology. According to me. :) I hope I don't get struck by lightning.
The Mormon culture is hard on those who don't conform, there IS awkwardness and discomfort. But I try to just take it in stride, ignore the judgemental and insensitive remarks of those who have either avoided trials or missed their opporunity to learn from them.
I hope you find your place. I wish we could make our own little world of healing hearts and dysfunctional relationships. There would be so much love and acceptance.
Wishing you the best.
I just sit on the back bench while my kids make a ruckus. It's where the misfits belong. I'll save you a spot on Sunday. :)
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