For the past week I've had to be a little creative with my finances...or lack of. It started with a negative balance on my bank account of $244. I asked my ex if he could please send support a few days early so I could purchase gas for the car. I always hope he'll show some civility toward me. He declined based on the fact that I didn't purchase later-in-the-day flights for our children to fly back from their visit with him....It would have cost me over $150 extra for the later flights. I have no credit. No money. Further, my car payment will be late; so my ex takes this window of opportunity to punish me. In the last week he's sent me emails and texts telling me that he's going to come and take our van if I don't pay on it right away. Further, he says the children will know of my "stubbornness" in me not paying for later flights. He also sent me pictures of my son's underwear with a few holes in them along with the text, "just wondering where all the support it going...and you're very selfish to be getting your nails done...." Meanwhile, for the past few days I've had to literally scrounge up nickels, dimes, and pennies to pay for gas, food, and dog food. I even tried in vain to give the cashier at Smith's 5 rolls of pennies to pay for a box of crackers for my kid's lunches. It was humiliating....Today I went to court to defend my bankruptcy case. The only other person filing with me was a guy who used to own a porn DVD company. Go figure...
It's been over two years since the end of my old life. I am fighting hard. I am doing something. Finding my pearl in all this mess, in all this sadness and pain. I will be happy again. I will have peace restored in my life again. My children will see their mother as a woman who clawed her way back to life, who didn't settle, who didn't give up. Yes, I cry often, I hurt still. The wounds are very fresh and more often than not I feel like a failure. I have many hard days still. But, for me there has only been one choice...get out of bed each day and do something, however small it may seem, one foot in front of the other...
"In every adversity lies opportunity. But it takes boldness, audacity, and courage to extract it."--author unknown
Your statement, "I always hope he'll show some civility toward me," is one I have uttered so many times. After all my ex did to destroy our marriage, I am shocked at the lengths he goes to to get out of paying child support or to blame me and my decision to divorce as the reason our kids are struggling with this or that. Today, as I am reading your post, I am about to write yet another email asking for back payments in child support, to which I am sure I will get no response or else a sarcastic, angry response saying "I" don't deserve it. There are many of us struggling with this issue. I don't know if your (our) children will ever really understand what their mother has done for them, but even if they don't, there is a sense of pride in knowing we are doing the best we can. Remember that our Father in Heaven knows our sacrifices and struggles, and lately I've felt like my grandmother who passed away a few years ago knows it as well--and I'm pretty sure she's as pissed off as I am. Hang in there, you're not alone.
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