Wednesday, September 7, 2011
No dark humor today
More has happened...a lot more. More than I can take, more than I want to deal with. My head pounds, my heart beats out of my chest, I want to throw up all the time. I've been shoved against the corner with nowhere to go, nowhere to breathe. And a gang of militant male bullies have at me, punching, kicking, biting, scratching, and violating me repeatedly.(analogy of course) Just want to die but can't. I'm still here even though I don't want to be. What scares me is that I could sink lower than I am now and "do something." I have lost more friends, (of course I don't blame anyone for not wanting to be around a chronic drain. I wish I could escape me too.), several more checks keep bouncing, can't pay any bills, credit card declined when I tried to take my sister to dinner--extremely humiliating, my car is falling apart even though I still owe $15,000 on that, $25,000 in debt on top of that just from legal bills and credit cards, someone backed up into my van recently and drove off, no money to fix it, no money to buy groceries, working like a dog and still no reprieve, son told me new baby brother is named Micah, daddy is so excited about his new baby being born, he always wanted lots of children, he tells my children how excited he is to get a condo on the beach, he buys my children all the "toys" they want because "mommy is poor," children go on trips and spending sprees on their time with him, meanwhile I dig through my cupboards trying to find something to eat, they come off the plane crying and asking when their next trip to daddy's house is, he takes them to church every Sunday, they come home to me and I try to figure out how to give my children the basics: shelter, food, and clothing, I'm failing miserably on all of those, don't even know how to show affection to them because I'm a walking zombie, my license is about to be suspended because apparently I'm not sane enough to be operating a vehicle on the road--only because I chose to be honest and mark on the paperwork that I take antidepressants, house is falling apart, can't keep up with homecare, can't keep up with children, get up in the morning and feel dizzy and lightheaded, kids talking to me and I can't hear them, like I'm in a glass bottle and all I can hear are muffled voices, don't believe anyone when they tell me it'll get better. It won't. Not for me. I'm only hanging on a thread for my children, otherwise I would probably resign myself to everything and just stop fighting. I hate my pathetic life. Don't know why I write this. I'm sure I will be judged for it. Oh well. People tell me daily to snap out of it, stop being bitter, angry, and count my blessings. Just accept it already and move on. I don't know how it's even conceivable to hurt more than I already hurt. Can't breathe, can't think, barely function. That's the raw deal right now. It is what it is. Misery is my fate.
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I love you! You know I do.... Hang in there! Can we please get together next week? XOXO
ReplyDeleteI hear so much pain-reading your post. You are going through so much emotional, physical, mental and spiritual turmoil. It is amazing to me how much a sex addicts choices can effect his wife and his family..it's like being in fire-but the burning doesn't stop and it doesn't kill you either. It's relentless pain....I hear your pain-as someone having gone through-and still going through similar agony.
ReplyDeleteFirst of all...you are a victim and needing to stop the bleeding that is happening here. This is my first post I've read of yours so I don't know the history. It sounds like you haven't been divorced...yet. I can relate to so so soooo much of what you are talking about. First thing first, money is zero zilch nada. There are two sources I went to. One, the LDS church allows you to visit their storehouse whether you are a member or not. You must have food in your belly before you can function. Second, start the process of government assistance. There are so many alarms in this post that you seriously need to find religion in your life to help you when it feels like noone else will. The Atonement of Christ is there for those that have been hurt by the sinners as well. I was able to see very clearly when I was able to take a deep breath and feel the peace of how my Heavenly Father feels about me. Little do you know but he is not worth you. You were born to triumph above this ex of yours. I must get dinner on but, I'll be back. Remember, one breath at a time. Inhale. Exhale. Let tomorrow take care of itself. Hug your little one. You will never find a love like that of your child. So pure. So forgiving. So trusting. Sleep with the Angels.
ReplyDeleteI relate to the glass bottle with muffled voices (I remember thinking of that very image). I relate to the fire that doesn't kill you, just burns you (constant pain for which there seems to be no relief). I relate to the inability to breathe most of all, and it's not just metaphorical. I ache for what you're going through because I've been there. Lean. Lean on me. Lean on your best friend. Lean on Christ. But just lean on someone you trust and who has been through the refiner's fire and is standing stronger than you are now. Don't try to manage this alone. Don't be afraid to lean for now.
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