I'm Stuck

I know it's been a while since my last entry. I just didn't feel like writing. I also didn't feel like this blog was really all that safe to vent my true feelings. I still feel a bit insecure about it, but we'll see how it goes. I just may not reveal as much as I used to. I fear that some, other than the ones I gave permission to read, have discovered my identity. That scares me, so I may delete this blog sometime soon because I really don't want anyone close to me knowing what's in my head. I am typically a private person so it's already been a leap of faith to do this. So if you see this blog has been cancelled, it's because I didn't feel it was safe any longer to express myself. It's nothing personal....I have serious trust issues.:)

Like the title says, I feel stuck. Everyday seems much the same lately. Just sad and feeling hopeless. While my children frolic with their father and his new family for six weeks, I am left behind trying to recreate a new life for myself. I feel empty and worthless, lost, rejected, and misplaced. I talk to my children often as they are having so much fun camping, going to Disneyland, going to parks, the beach, shopping, swimming at the pool, etc. They are attending church together with J's new family and forging a new relationship with their new brother and soon to be step siblings. I get pictures, text messages, and videos of it all here as I sit alone on my bed in my parent's house. My children mean well; they just want me to know the fun they're having. So I put on a cheerful voice as I tell them how happy I am that they are having so much fun. Then I fall asleep crying into my pillow.

My mom says she feels that there is happiness in my future. I want so much to believe it. I can't see it. I feel imprisoned in this state of despair. I will never find anyone to love me again; I will never be able to get out from under the monstrous debt continually piling on top of my shoulders; I will never be able to give my children the life they deserve; I will never be happy again, ever.

I can barely make it through an hour of church these days. Last week I didn't go at all--Father's Day. Everything I see hurts: families sitting together, babies, boys passing the sacrament, women talking about play dates, basically anything that resembles the life I used to know, the life I was robbed of. I don't know how to live in this world anymore. I'm trying so hard to find my place and figure out my new normal. I'm trying to move on. But, I'm hurting so bad. Lately I just lock myself in my room as soon as I get home from work. I feel protected there. Everywhere I go I get these anxiety attacks and I don't know how to control them.

There are so many raw emotions swirling around in my head. It's like a huge battle and the pressure just keeps building. Lately, sometimes when people talk to me I don't hear them, and they have to repeat what they're saying to me. My responses are usually short as I try to deal with the buildup in my head. It's suffocating, and I just want to scream as loud as I can to relieve the pressure.

Meanwhile.....a mom and a dad hold their newborn baby as they sit outside their camper watching the sun set on the ocean. The dad dips the baby's foot in ink and stamps it onto a piece of paper to later be framed. All of the other six children giggle as they kiss and caress their new baby brother. Later on, as they roast marshmellows over the campfire, they talk of that days' adventures: collecting seashells, swimming, and riding bikes on the boardwalk. Tomorrow, Disneyland....