It's nothing personal, but I don't trust you. Nobody. (Maybe my parents, OK, and God, that's it) You're either a liar and/or have an expiration date on how long you'll like me, love me, or keep me around. If the one person I loved and trusted more than anyone betrayed and dishonored me in the worst possible way, how can I ever see trust again? Who knew if J ever loved me, honestly. How could I have been so blind? So stupid. So trusting? I had no idea. I believed in him. Little did my naive brain know that he secretly despised me, and who knows for how long.
I hear "I love you" so much these days, even from people I barely know.
I don't believe any of it. Just words. Meaningless words. No, lies actually. Most people currently in my life, have to be nice because they're being paid to or it's their religious obligation or duty. Do they REALLY care? Yes, friends and distant family members are also in the bunch. But I will soon be forgotten. My worth doesn't extend past a few years max. I have proof. I come with an expiration date.
At this point I don't think I want to marry again, ever. My heart isn't broken. It's been shredded into a zillion pieces. I'm still trying to process the cruelty I've experienced from J these past few months. I'm still in shock. I still can't believe it. I thought he was one of the good guys. I was wrong. And if I was wrong about him, how can I possibly tell the difference between the grass and the weeds?
I know you're reading this thinking, she has such a bad attitude. It's not that I'm ungrateful. I am. Every little bit of kindness, more actions than words, raises my level of trust, however small it is. It kills me that I can't trust people like I did before. I am very scared of letting myself get close to anyone. (I have a hard time even trusting my own children. That really frightens me.)
Who's true. Who's not. How will I ever know? What's real?
I know that it's going to have to take faith on my part to trust again. Right now, it's pretty difficult. Baby steps....
My heart gushes out tears for your pain! I cannot comprehend the depths of your agony. I acknowledge that I am in the group of those who you have less reason to trust, but just so you know, I think about you several times a day. I try to ponder ways to help alleviate your pain. I use your story in hopes of motivating others to avoid such behavior. I pray that angels will attend to you and care for your children. The efforts you make to survive amaze me.
ReplyDeleteOh Bubble Girl....
ReplyDeleteI HEAR YOU!! Loud and clear!! I've been thinking and saying the same things!!
Even when I look at my dad, or my sweet grandpa, or my good friends hubby's, and even the bishop I think to myself "what are they hiding?"
If the very person I loved the very most could lie and lie and lie SO VERY WELL for SO LONG- our entire marriage- while I had not even the tiniest suspicion, WHO CAN I TRUST?
You know, that's what's most frightening for me at this point... not the porn or the sex or the dating or the money... those things are bad and are really hard to comprehend, but it's the lying that I have the hardest time swallowing.
He literally bamboozled me. He bamboozled us all. He pretended like he was happy and committed and the perfect husband and dad and friend and son-in-law, when really he was living a big, FAT lie.
That is the most scary of all. He knows how to fool you and make you believe what you want to believe. He'll tell you what you want to hear so you'll be happy. Scary. So so scary.
My trust has been completely stripped from me. I seriously don't know how I'll even trust him- or anyone else for that matter- ever again. I feel like true love, trust, commitment... they don't exist... at least not in my world.
I went from naive and blind love and trust to hitting the biggest, baddest brick wall. It knocked me down and I'm having a hard time picking up my broken self.
Thinking of you my dear...
Thinking of you...
xoxo
I have unfortunately over the past few years adopted the philosophy of "Guilty until proven innocent". It takes a lot to be proven innocent to me...
ReplyDeleteB