Pain, Pain, go away

So today is my personal "D" day, or at least one of many in the last few months. This is the day my husbands mistress is scheduled to deliver their baby boy via c-section. A part of me wants to know that its happened and get it over with, and another doesnt know how I can possibly handle the news. I picture my "husband" cradling his new baby in his arms, taking pictures with his new family, and partaking in a moment that should be purely ours, mine and his--because he is still married to me. Like "Momma J" said in another post, Im still in this denial phase where I think of them together, shake my head, and think I cant believe this is happening to me. This is my life. And I too have gone through my life stages thinking, where did I go wrong? Where did I mess up along the way? My therapist and others alike say that what my husband has done has nothing to do with me. I desperately want to believe that. I just dont yet. Its not that I blame myself entirely like I did the first few months of this; I just dont understand why he didnt love me enough. Im sure those answers will come over time. Its just going through the roller coaster of emotions to get to a point of acceptance...which Im not even close to yet.

I think in accepting my new life, is also letting go of a dream, a dream of an eternal family, or at least the one I envisioned when I married J in the temple for time and eternity. I know I still have a chance at a celestial marriage again; I just have to be OK that its not what I envisioned... Im hoping that it will be even better.

Now, just getting through this mist of darkness is what Im focusing so much strength on. Its exhausting. I do want to shut myself in my room, lock the door, and sleep until its all over. I probably would if I didnt have to go to work and be a mom to my two kids. It would be so easy because the pain of heartbreak is so suffocating, and you just want it to stop. I do have hope for happiness again, but I honestly have forgotten what it feels like.

I believe one of the worst kinds of pain is betrayal. Especially when its inflicted by someone you loved so dearly, trusted so implicitly, and put on a pedastal; basically someone you truly believed was your "everything" in this world. Although I know J doesnt love (I dont know when he stopped) me, I still love him, and Im trying to break free from the 14 years of loving him so deeply.